so i guess you're stuck with me now

I am sitting in class, realising that this institution is not really a good fit with me, and I think I came to a realisation earlier this week that I think I'm going to like better than everything else that I've focused on up to this point.

I am here to learn. I am not here to be told that the paper I wrote wasn't academic enough, or wasn't clear enough. I guess in a way I am, and my writing is (albeit slowly) improving, but I have made a very conscious decision to apply myself whole-heartedly, but at the same time engage as an active participant in learning. To make myself cleasr: I no longer care if I am doing well in a class as long as I know I understand things and am getting what I need to for my own life out of the stupid class. I can only do my best and hope that I improve.

I want to write meaningful things and not have to worry about people understanding it, or approving my work. I don't really care anymore, so if you're reading this and don't agree or think that the academic institution is integral to a happy life feel free to comment the shit out of this, but I have a feeling you won't. If you're enjoying university academic essays because they are fun... you.... don't undertsand life. Sorry.

There is a part of my core, a part of the integral part of being me that strives to be the best at something. I feel like I have no defining factors or features or any points of interesting abilities about me, despite my upbeat joviality or ability to think without a box when explaining things. but other than that... I don't have anything really that I am the best at. I'm not the best at english, or reading, or writing or sports or cooking or talking or dancing or anything like that I've never had a thing. I want a thing. I need something that is definitive.

Or I should accept that there is nothing definitively successful about me, and the thing that makes me me is the ability to encompass lots of good aerage abilities. Why would I thrive on averageness? Because no expectations, responsibilities. I want to be good for other people and myself, that's the goal in my life.

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is the expectations that I put for myself compared to the ones that society, institutions, other people, etc. put on me. I don't want an enforced being, I want a free being. I am a free being in a relative use of the word "free," but I want to embrace it in the same way someone would if they were the best at something.

All I can do is love, I guess. Lots of it.


And drink lots of water.




black handheld vehicles, tonka trucks and army men,
on the shag rug I laughed a lot back then,
your smile and hair and navy blue pants, red suspenders,
and your laughter against my, premature cadences left hanging
in the wind of the living room, did you know?
did you know that I saw the pills, or the blood on your shirt,
or the smile that weakened the painful grimace as I sat on you knee,
reaching for just one last hug,
and you, with your shadeless eyes now, your painless eyes now,
but then painful, full of some sorts of memroies,
patted my head but "no hugs today."


so I folded up my pictures and sent them away to you,
and the last time I saw you it was above your head,
and you smiled at me, and I held your hand
and patted your head,
"no hugs today,"

almost paradise

I think I said I'd write something today. Looks like I'm writing something...right now.

I am tired. I feel like it's been a year since I've slept, and I think that I need to take a look into serious meditation or something like that because there is no way I can get all of my thoughts straight. Too much stress, but it will be over soon. A month from now I will be gearing up for the end, and then I will be off in paradise. so close.

I haven't been writing much for myself lately and that's sort of depressing. I think I need a bit more me-time. I need more self reflection, but there isn't enough time in a day for me to stay sane and still have time to look back and stuff. I end up spending all free time either calming down or gearing up. Go go go go go go go. It's all I do now it's a wonder I'm still breathing.

I've been breathing though, mainly through my nose. I got new shoes today and I can't wait till it's not supposed to rain so I can wear them and a skirt and it is finally spring. It is finally into the seasons that aren't dreary and gross, which means it's time to bring on the sunshine. and the beach.

I miss the beach. when I wakl home around dusk it always smells like the beach does with the wet leaves and the wind and everything it's just so nice. I wish I could live there, but I can't it's too much of a hassle. I need to vacuum my room...

I guess that's all then, I think that after this show is over I will have a lot more time to self reflect. Right now I'm finding it hard to become a three-dimensional person without complaining or crying or something, I'm such a sap.

Hunchback

I promise I am going to try to write an awesome post, maybe Thursday, that'd be swell.

I'm so tired and I haven't been sleeping. I am frustrated, and I'm back in a rut. Help me help me help me. I need guided meditation or something inspirational right now, I'm on the edge.
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

breathing in peanut butter

Today is the first day in a long time that I have been happy all day. I want everyday to feel like this.

I am finally good with my being. I am good with the smile on my face the people around me, my workload my money situation. I am happy where I am, I am in the right location, I know this is where I am supposed to be. Finally, things feel right.

I have so much to do in the next three weeks, but it's going to make the end of April so much better. I'm working for the kids and for opportunities I have decided, I fight for equality now. I love it when people understand, finally.

I remember when I was younger like eighth grade on myspace I made an announcement that said "POVERTY BUGS ME" and no one "reblogged" it, and I was so upset... Why don't young people care about helping people? that needs to change. this is the worst kind of disappointment, when you relalise that greed and self-centred-ness encompasses so much of the world.

Everyone is so fucking focussed on good grades and money and sex and silly things that they forget that we're here to enjoy the world, to honour it and to honour ourselves. Why doesn't everybody just donate? Or smile everyday? I smiled the entire way home today. I need this feeling for the next couple of weeks. I still have big dreams, but they're being shaped around the people I care about intensely and the people that I am in love with, which is many people.

I can't wait for England, I can't wait for my job, I can't wait to just be me. I am me now, just a little less bright. I want to read again, and dance in my room and jump on my bed. I want to see the biggest smiles on a kid that I've ever seen when I tell them we're going swimming. I want to see a sunset in Paris with my best friend. I want to drink until I puike and laugh all night with my others. I want to drive around at midnight for forever with him and laugh and snort and die, and eat macdonalds happy meals and not worry about getting mosquito bites. Why do people worry? I should stop.

I really quite love this room right now. I love everything right now. This is so much more uplifting than usual, I am so happy. I wrote a poem today about being stuck and then bam. I'm writing this amazing post about how happy I am. I am so fucking happy.

Thank pete that this has happened, finally I don't feel like shit. Finally I'm free from a head full of nothingness and everythingness.

Guus?

I am okay.








it's a crackling heartbeat eminating from the stars,
basking down in the soft moonlight and heat coming from the centre,
the middle it feels like warm roses on fire between the three of us,
and we laugh a lot I guess, lots of heartwarming,
and a bit of the warmth comes from our glasses on our knees,
beside our feet in the grass embers sit cooling, left to dry,
to seethe in the grass until it burns through to ashes,
I watch those, or pretend to, still smiling down and down,
but they're over there laughing again, it's something so...
so familiar, so loving and familiar. So cheerful, and familiar,
and I miss it when they laughed together or talked about the barn,
or about the fire that one fire, running in their boots in the nude,
drinking beer at twelve, drinking beer now,
kicking rocks now, the sparklers fizzle out and so do we,
but it's too cold to go inside or stay out, or leave the little rounds,
I'd rather walk a million times back and forth around this, well, us,
than leave it here with laughter still lingering in the air behind our heads,
above our laps floating longingly as if a ghost looking for,
for a soul to snap onto like a clasp like a french clasp,
like something that grips and takes hold, that same something
that points off across the lake, quivers in the light the lack thereof
the puddles and woodchips around our feet covering the embers now,
and that laughter, not haunting but jovial,
not silent but unheard, only to tentative ears,
and those times when every moment I'd rather hear that laugh than
than the coughs and cries from before

it's all happening

I hate money and that everything costs so much money. I feel so helpless thinking about it, but I'm really going to try and save money and work on budgetting and things. I wish I had more money, but I don't. Ah well, what can ya do?

It's friday. Finally. My back is so sore, I think I pushed too hard in yoga on wednesday, but it was so amazing I needed to. New bucketlist additions:

see sunrises
india-yoga
publish poetry
read 100 years of solitude, 1984 and great expectations
learn how to maintain a garden
and make coffee, good coffee
learn to like beer (MUST BE DONE BEFORE AUGUST)


These are more like goals, but definitely worthy of the bucketlist. I need to do these things, I just have a craving, a striving inside of me.

I don't want to go and get groceries, but I need to get more food. What a terrible situation, when I grow up I'm living a ten minute walk from everything, somehow.

I want to buy a book of photographs. Like nice, black and white prints or something nice or something, that isn't vogue that isn't a national geographic. A hardcover book. Like a coffee table book. I think I need lower expectations of my attention span when I begin these.

I am so hungry. I should make some soup or something, I wish I had instant rice. I love instant rice, it is so good. I think I should make some chicken or AN EGG.

Brain wave, I'm going to make an egg, be back when I'm done.

I ended up not making an egg, I have to finish this book. I really love good love movies. Have you ever seen ps I love you? Or love and other drugs? st.elmo's fire? Love isn't just romantic, but I think that friends are worthy of love as well. I have a couple best friends who are my soulmates and I know it. Stand by me is a good movie about friend-love. Man, I love love. I also love food.

I'm like a choo-choo-train of thoughts today apparently.

Sometimes I wish I looked more grown up, but then I remember that on the inside I am grown up and I have grown up cares and responsibilites. I love being a grown up but at the same time nobody's grown up, I'm still seven sometimes. I can't wait to go back to work and tell the kids all about this year and next year and just be with them. Seriously, changed my life.

I really should make an egg.

I wish that lights shone brighter so I could see them, and everyone could see them.
or, well, I wish they just were bigger, or brighter,
or taller or tighter, or something like that,
can we go home yet? can we go, home, yet?
take a breath like this, like that,
can we go, home, yet?
And so it is a calming technique,
or a happiness technique,
the little prose that could,
and so I think to myself everyday man can't you see it?
the sun it's so big?
the stars are so smal and you can see those, white on the black,
the dots, like letters on my screen, pop out, I know they're there,
but I don't, it's like any other light,
I know it's there, like your face, I do,
but I can't see who