breathing in peanut butter

Today is the first day in a long time that I have been happy all day. I want everyday to feel like this.

I am finally good with my being. I am good with the smile on my face the people around me, my workload my money situation. I am happy where I am, I am in the right location, I know this is where I am supposed to be. Finally, things feel right.

I have so much to do in the next three weeks, but it's going to make the end of April so much better. I'm working for the kids and for opportunities I have decided, I fight for equality now. I love it when people understand, finally.

I remember when I was younger like eighth grade on myspace I made an announcement that said "POVERTY BUGS ME" and no one "reblogged" it, and I was so upset... Why don't young people care about helping people? that needs to change. this is the worst kind of disappointment, when you relalise that greed and self-centred-ness encompasses so much of the world.

Everyone is so fucking focussed on good grades and money and sex and silly things that they forget that we're here to enjoy the world, to honour it and to honour ourselves. Why doesn't everybody just donate? Or smile everyday? I smiled the entire way home today. I need this feeling for the next couple of weeks. I still have big dreams, but they're being shaped around the people I care about intensely and the people that I am in love with, which is many people.

I can't wait for England, I can't wait for my job, I can't wait to just be me. I am me now, just a little less bright. I want to read again, and dance in my room and jump on my bed. I want to see the biggest smiles on a kid that I've ever seen when I tell them we're going swimming. I want to see a sunset in Paris with my best friend. I want to drink until I puike and laugh all night with my others. I want to drive around at midnight for forever with him and laugh and snort and die, and eat macdonalds happy meals and not worry about getting mosquito bites. Why do people worry? I should stop.

I really quite love this room right now. I love everything right now. This is so much more uplifting than usual, I am so happy. I wrote a poem today about being stuck and then bam. I'm writing this amazing post about how happy I am. I am so fucking happy.

Thank pete that this has happened, finally I don't feel like shit. Finally I'm free from a head full of nothingness and everythingness.

Guus?

I am okay.








it's a crackling heartbeat eminating from the stars,
basking down in the soft moonlight and heat coming from the centre,
the middle it feels like warm roses on fire between the three of us,
and we laugh a lot I guess, lots of heartwarming,
and a bit of the warmth comes from our glasses on our knees,
beside our feet in the grass embers sit cooling, left to dry,
to seethe in the grass until it burns through to ashes,
I watch those, or pretend to, still smiling down and down,
but they're over there laughing again, it's something so...
so familiar, so loving and familiar. So cheerful, and familiar,
and I miss it when they laughed together or talked about the barn,
or about the fire that one fire, running in their boots in the nude,
drinking beer at twelve, drinking beer now,
kicking rocks now, the sparklers fizzle out and so do we,
but it's too cold to go inside or stay out, or leave the little rounds,
I'd rather walk a million times back and forth around this, well, us,
than leave it here with laughter still lingering in the air behind our heads,
above our laps floating longingly as if a ghost looking for,
for a soul to snap onto like a clasp like a french clasp,
like something that grips and takes hold, that same something
that points off across the lake, quivers in the light the lack thereof
the puddles and woodchips around our feet covering the embers now,
and that laughter, not haunting but jovial,
not silent but unheard, only to tentative ears,
and those times when every moment I'd rather hear that laugh than
than the coughs and cries from before