I am sitting in class, realising that this institution is not really a good fit with me, and I think I came to a realisation earlier this week that I think I'm going to like better than everything else that I've focused on up to this point.
I am here to learn. I am not here to be told that the paper I wrote wasn't academic enough, or wasn't clear enough. I guess in a way I am, and my writing is (albeit slowly) improving, but I have made a very conscious decision to apply myself whole-heartedly, but at the same time engage as an active participant in learning. To make myself cleasr: I no longer care if I am doing well in a class as long as I know I understand things and am getting what I need to for my own life out of the stupid class. I can only do my best and hope that I improve.
I want to write meaningful things and not have to worry about people understanding it, or approving my work. I don't really care anymore, so if you're reading this and don't agree or think that the academic institution is integral to a happy life feel free to comment the shit out of this, but I have a feeling you won't. If you're enjoying university academic essays because they are fun... you.... don't undertsand life. Sorry.
There is a part of my core, a part of the integral part of being me that strives to be the best at something. I feel like I have no defining factors or features or any points of interesting abilities about me, despite my upbeat joviality or ability to think without a box when explaining things. but other than that... I don't have anything really that I am the best at. I'm not the best at english, or reading, or writing or sports or cooking or talking or dancing or anything like that I've never had a thing. I want a thing. I need something that is definitive.
Or I should accept that there is nothing definitively successful about me, and the thing that makes me me is the ability to encompass lots of good aerage abilities. Why would I thrive on averageness? Because no expectations, responsibilities. I want to be good for other people and myself, that's the goal in my life.
I guess what I'm trying to figure out is the expectations that I put for myself compared to the ones that society, institutions, other people, etc. put on me. I don't want an enforced being, I want a free being. I am a free being in a relative use of the word "free," but I want to embrace it in the same way someone would if they were the best at something.
All I can do is love, I guess. Lots of it.
And drink lots of water.
black handheld vehicles, tonka trucks and army men,
on the shag rug I laughed a lot back then,
your smile and hair and navy blue pants, red suspenders,
and your laughter against my, premature cadences left hanging
in the wind of the living room, did you know?
did you know that I saw the pills, or the blood on your shirt,
or the smile that weakened the painful grimace as I sat on you knee,
reaching for just one last hug,
and you, with your shadeless eyes now, your painless eyes now,
but then painful, full of some sorts of memroies,
patted my head but "no hugs today."
so I folded up my pictures and sent them away to you,
and the last time I saw you it was above your head,
and you smiled at me, and I held your hand
and patted your head,
"no hugs today,"
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