i get by

It's the people that knew me intimately before my last eye surgery that I feel like understand me best. It's silly to think that way, but the difference is incredibly obvious when we say go out to eat somewhere, I feel a whole lot more confident being with someone who knows how much I can and can't see, and takes the reigns on reading a menu, helping me down stairs, etc. It seems that a lot of people who have met me in the past two years forget about me not being able to see, as it has not been a big issue for them to have to help. At university I have handled myself in such a way that I needed limited help nee a couple of things. It just is obvious to me, that's all. I guess I've been thinking about my surgery a lot, because a couple people who were important to me then are not anymore, and it sort of hurts a lot, I still care about them, and I'm sure they care about me, but it's different now. I can't bring cantelope and watch shrek, they won't make me eggs for dinner, it's just sort of changed, and it's hard to accept that, I guess. I have been sort of thinking that maybe we could be friends again, but that's a really sharp maybe to have to think about. They've needed me this week, and I've been there. Not as much as I would like, but, well, I can't. Anyways, what else, I've been tired and working myself too hard lately, but I'm frustrated with myself so I'm working towards a better, healthier me. I guess i just need to be inside my own head, sit there and enjoy myself for me not enjoy myself for anyone else... that won't make sense to anyone but me, but I am okay with that. I wish I had a dog, because I feel like it would do me good. then I'd have an excuse to go outside for walks as opposed to looking like a retiree. I just want to start work tomorrow, It's supposed to be warm this week, I plan on dresses and skirts. I want either a mint green skirt, white dress, or red skirt. NOW. fIND ME CHEAP CLOTHING.

HIT ME (beyonce vs chris brown)

nightengaled heartbeating through the dark evening with a certain rhythm, a shivvering tragedy, whatever you heard before whatever you needed they handed you spoonfuls, plugged-nose forcefulness, fifty-fifty that cookie dough for me, cut them similarly for me, I can't write, I have seven complete poems as of right now, and I want to have fifteen by the end of April, and the chance of that happening right now...I need stimuli. I need tumblr. I created a new blog today, I think I'm going to wait a bit to get some photo's up before I post it or anything, or even tell anyone about it. I need some more poetry, now. INSPIRE ME. Accio muse! Maybe I'll freeze myself in my sleep tonight, I've always been a method-writer. why do hearts beat in double-times, or triples? fluttering in a thumping chest, a pound amongst the sticks and stones of a body, trying to avoid a piercing blow to those balloon-like lungs that flummox and grasp air in my chest, I really can't write, maybe it's because I'm reading hunger games as I write. I need seven poems. Accio poems. no poems appeared. Britches be crazy. Ah well, I tried. I'm debating just watching skins now, because I want to finish the season... I love that show. Holla season four! Coming up shortly, after I finish this post, probably. i still haven't seen the new game of thrones, tomorrow! I love poetry. damnit. All over the place today apparently, what can I say?

finally back

I found an internet browser that flips inverse and supports blogspot and probably tumblr, operation re-do computer begins today apparently. I'm going to tell my dad to send away my precious ipod, and begin the itunes revamp, clean up my computer, and start over. If I'm not going to be getting a new one, might as well just make this one as appropriate as possible. Suitable, I guess. I started reading the Hunger Games while getting dressed today, and now I can't stop. I have this tendancy to start things and then get addicted. So far this summer: Skins, zombie movies, writing about poetry, re-doing this computer, paninis, moulin rouge, reading anything actually, hunger games, etc. Welcome to my bedroom circa a week ago. I bought these new tshirts yesterday and they are beautifully soft, I'm wearing a teal one today, I'm going to keep them for summer camp. I'm sitting around waiting everyday for an email that says that I have a job starting next week. I really wish it would come..If it doesn't, I don't know what I'm going to do. Work is so hard for me, so hard to get and to do, I really find this part of my disability unfair. I am capable, but people wouldn't hire me, I might as well try though... I don't know what else to write, but since I know this browser works I can finally write more often, thank god. take care

I woke up today to internet explorer no longer supporting blogspot again, and I am just progressively getting more unlucky as the days go by. I just can't stand using google chrome because it doesn't flip inverse so I literally can't see anything I'm typing right now, and I can't make it work otherwise, and I am just so frustrated. It makes me not want to do this anymore. Tumblr doesn't work on my computer, neither does blogspot. Nothing works anymore. I was going to write some stupid internal thing, but I've lost the motivation to do so. fuck it.

good feelings gone

It's hilarious, ain't it? I feel like Carrie Bradshaw, what on my massive white-sheeted bed, hair in a bandana in a too-big shirt and panties, with my computer under my feet, the window's open letting in the breeze, vogue beside me, waiting for the boy to call, writing about nonsense and why my heart still isn't fully closed. Why isn't it fully closed tonight? I think it's more of my head right now, and the fact that everything around me seems to be scotch-taped together for the time being.

No job, no money, no cares right? Fuck that, seriously, I need something so that I don't sit around listening to everybody else's day this summer. I need something to do, other than read or watch skins. I want to just get into something, I wanted this job so that I could be passionate about it, and now it's slipped through my fingers, basically. I should just forget it. All I am is bad luck anyway. And that's not just negative thinking, I think positive enough alright, but I am just bad luck. that's just me.

I also don't get why I can't just accept myself for me. I think I'm beautiful. I'm going to wear a dress tomorrow, and enjoy it and go uptown and feel pretty, but at the same time I have all of these external links telling me that I am or not, and I know inside my own head I am but then the sugar=plum fucking fairy will just crash all those thoughts down, or something. It's tooth decay for my self-confidence, and it's fast forwarding through all of my fears and blowing them up. I am healthy, why does it bother me so much?

I guess it's just one of those days. Those days that start off great, but by the end of it you just want to rip up the vogue in everyone's face and throw it out the goddamn window. I want to make this room isolated, so that in here I feel differently about everything. I also can't find my remote or my cheque book, life's going great today.

Just fuck.

I don't even feel like writing, and I haven't much lately. I tried yesterday, and it was shit. I'm not forcing it obviously, but I just wish I could write more. I want some water but I don't want to get up and get it...first world problems.

jI can't even turn on my ipod headphones really loud and feel better because my ipod is MIA due to it's breaking. Blech.

PROCRASTI-JUMPING

Hi. I've been studying all day, and I'm sort of on a break, watching friends, and I don't feel like studying again. I wish I could make popcorn, or sleep. I'm debating going to sleep at like ten tonight. I am still so tired, and I just need it to be this time tomorrow. I want to just start packing for real and dance around and be done with this exam! The only snacks I have tonight is trail mix. It is delicious, maybe I shouldn't complain...or I could just take another break and walk to mac's, or save the five dollars and have subway tomorrow. Man, I could get ham, and cheese, and maybe chips! You're welcome, I knew you'd want to hear all about my eating.

I have to go get my laundry, fuck that.

I think I'll just leave it..no, I'll get it later but I'll get it and keep it in the laundry basket because I don't feel like it.

Summer tv show list:

the new girl
the walking dead
dr. who
finish breaking bad
game of thrones OBVIOUSLY, community, the office, possibly big brother?


I have so many plans for the summer I just want to relax and not worry about anything but worries don't just disappear when summer comes... Man, I think I'm gonna make Christmas cookies tomorrow before the exam so I can just like, giggle and stuff. I want the princess cook book, with pink iced-cup cakes.

I joined pottermore today, I want to be sorted now. I am so excited about this, I am SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS. It's harry potter Jessie aaaaall over again. No one who reads this is allowed to ask anyone from eighth grade and before that about my Harry Potter obsession, because they will tell you a lot of embarassing things about ,e... That I refuse to reveal.

So, I've been reading my travel book for Europe, and I just thought the phone was ringing like a landline, I'm ready to go home, moving on I think that I have read all kinds of things on food situations in Paris, and lunch for five pounds, and where to go, or where I want to see, which basically is anywhere because really. I want to go to Dior like Carrie and look at all of the things I can't afford, and just be fabulous. I want to start a new blog for my trip though, I'm thinking about starting it for the planning process, but for the most part it will be after travelling that I will post... I'm not sure if it'll happen. We'll see.

I want a fleet of pink cupcakes as soon as possible. and sexy wrestling. Well, both together would be preferable.

So anyways, I want to go buy new underwear but I have no money. OMG IM GOING TO ASK MY MOM. See, it is like I'm thirteen, I need to ask my mom for money for bras. What is wrong with this situation? My lack of money is stressing me out like crazy, and making me just want to sleep all the time again. I need to just get over this. It will come it will come it will come.

back to studying, vunderfull

fresh air

I wrote a poem the other day and never posted it, it was bullshit. Basically stereotypical modernist bull, and I couldn't really deal with it, so I may post it eventually, but for now it sits in my drafts and mocks me everytime I open blogspot. So do all of the notebooks sitting around my room half full, half empty, half laughing at me for not picking up a pen in about two months. I'm blind, I'm taking a full courseload, and I have some aspects of a social life. I also discovered game of thrones, so, well, priorities notebooks, priorities.

I love that I worry about my notebooks judging me, jesus,

I am thrilled to be going home now. I want to get back to my room and make it mine again, I have two weeks (hopefully) before I start work fulltime for me to find a second job (I'm hoping online, do you think Research Assistants will take me?) and to get back into the groove of staying up till three am in a silent house. Three am is a lonely time in a two-story suburb when everyone has school or work the next day... It's lonely the other days too, actually.

I did yoga today, and I think I need to just write it everywhere that it feels good to do. alone, in thoughts or not in thoughts, usually naked but sometimes I'll open the windows and freeze to death if taht happens so I wear a tshirt or something. I'm tired of scheduled readings, and coffee dates, I miss spontanuity. I miss calling my best friends and going to the vegan bar and drinking cider and eating delicious croutons then heading to marble slab half-drunk and bus home to the beds we didn't make that morning. Why is my life not a daytime radio sitcom? Because I don't have the time to write it.

I love stars. The band, and the actual physical things in the sky. Well, I suppose they're physical, as physical as something no one will ever touch/live to touch/and only see can be. I want to just curl up and eat ice cream and watch game of thrones all night, not study. Studying's for chumps! I wish any of the studying I ever did paid off ever, I wish I was good at testing. I wish the things I knew most about and was best at could be tested... Well, they can be tested, just not in this program, in this institution, by any of these people.

Seriously debating Sudbury for finishing programs after I'm done my undergrad, that or London. I wanted to do Quebec but it's just not turning out that way. I had this wonderful picture of me in a fabulous french city drinking white wine on a dusky spring evening, reading a newspaper or something. But that's so silly, I don't have eyes for that.

So anyways, I suppose I should finish my show and get back to studying. I edited my last paper this afternoon and going to edit it once more sunday on a study break before it is to be handed in on monday, and then my final exam is monday afternoon, and then I am spending the evening packing and probably finishing my whiskey alone, and dancing. There is always dancing. And friends the tv show, I torture myself when there is ever endings and always watch the last season the last night of my living anywhere. what is wrong with me?

So much.

i had to say goodbye to becca today, and it hurt my everything to think about it for weeks and now it is over, and it isn't a loss or a goodbye or anything, it's just the same as it always has been, since the beginning of first year from my family from my boyfriend, to residence to my friends, to the end of summer to a boyfriend again and back to leading into summer from good friends:

I'll be seeing you, in all the old familiar places.

Sing it, Billie, I need you.

bringing down the house

So, I am done four out of the five classes I had this semester, and I am feeling relatively good about the last one but to be honest fifty percent of my mark relies on the three part final next monday and I am terrified, but I will get by! Then it will be summer, and I will finally have time for me.

I realised that I can read for fun for the next eight months so I can just have a good time this summer, and tan and take bubble baths, and drink margaritas and spend time with my friends for once. And be with the kids! I want to be with the kids, it makes my life so much happier. I am ready to just go home and get everything out of this house too, the cluttered everything-is-everywhere feeling of my bedroom is making me sick. I just want to throw everything away... I'm debating on doing it.

inward and tuck,
tom and huck,
travelling downward but also up,
shaking hands but smile and chuck,
or truck, more or less a fuck.



well, there is this thing sometimes that I feel like I just want to be away from other people, but for the most part I don't mind being around people. It's funny though, I am selective listener. I can miraculously block people out when they're talking and smile and laugh at appropriate places. I'm such a rude little bitch.

I want to go home and make my daddy hot crossed buns, and go swimming with my brother and sister in the beach, and eat mars fries and drink lemonade and go to the arcade and get duckies and play games and then walk home with milkshakes or a hot chocolate from two chicks, and make weenies and marshmallows and grilled cheeses and drink coolers and go for the walks and look at the stars and the moon and the shooting stars and listen to the wind.

I think I just need a very big change in my life. I need to start having a purpose and start figure things out. That's where the neighing came from. I think that I just need to look into my own head and open my window and have an empty everything. be empty. Why am I so not in the right head?

Why am I not dead?

preparing for summer

Hola, I guess I haven't written in like a month, so here it goes for a short post and more later, I promise.

Summer reading list:
hunger games
northender abbey
great expectations
wuthering heights
one flew over the coockoo's nest
the dome


and probably many others that I'm forgetting, but for now those are the ones on my list, the priority. I really can't wait to lay on the beach and listen to books and be warm, and not have to worry about eighty papers that are due or the show or being late, or any of that. I just want to get done this, twelve days, just twelve days.

I did not drink enough water today. I haven't been feeling myself lately, I've been feeling very uncomfortable and I need more water and hot chocolates, they seem to help my body feel better and make me feel more like myself. I really should be writing my theories position paper right now, but I promised so I will continue. I haven't been writing poetry either, which is not a bad thing since I've been super busy and I've neededto just relax when I've had time to relax, but I have a deadline which is monday for an article and I wish I wrote more poetry everyday again, maybe come exam time when I only have one huge exam I can take breaks to just relax and write.

My goal for today is to atleast get a start on my position paper and my thesis for my final, and then set up a studying schedule, and do some yoga. I miss having constructed yoga times, I'd also like some hot crossed buns. With butter! I miss my dad. I miss my whole family actually, I miss my brother and sister, and my mom. I am going home for easter to recharge, I can't wait to be back to myself. I'm already there, going out with friends and reading things for fun again oh my I can't wait. And ice cream... Man, I love ice cream.

So I've been thinking lately and I am happy. I have great friends, and a great family and I just think that regardless of the things that are going on around me, I just want to smile because there isn't really a reason not to. It was a beautiful day today, I am twenty years old and I love breathing and waking up to a cold room, and doing five downward dogs a day. I love lemonade and laughing hard. Did you know that if you laugh, like really belly laugh everyday you live seven days longer? Even if that isn't true, why would that make you not want to laugh more?

This has turned out to not be short and I don't really care, I actually don't know what to make for dinner and that's why I continue to type. What should I wear out tonight? I hate it when my thoughts won't calm down, when I have been thinking about hunger games and primrose's face and the game of thrones and john snow and boromir and somebody that i used to know and final that big stupid final and my wrting and marks and london and my best friend leaving the country and me leaving the country and a kegger rolling above my head and a steak dinner and easter and making sure i dont drink too much or too little and holding still but not and drinking enough water and eating trail mix or not or having a spoonful of scercream and that thesis or this thesis or that quotation or this topic or some sort of brecht bullshit or if his name is really douche-ain or something more french, or if that forty percent paper i wrote last week was good enough or if i'm good enough or if he thinks about me anymore, or if he does, or she does, and if he thinks about me everyday or if they want to get sushi or if i should wear flats tonight and if it'll rain this weekend.

all of these stupid things in my head, I want to just lay around and watch the game of thrones, and think inside my head, and eat sushi with my girlfriend.

I want to see a concert, you can really lose yourself in them you know, I need a drink.