good feelings gone

It's hilarious, ain't it? I feel like Carrie Bradshaw, what on my massive white-sheeted bed, hair in a bandana in a too-big shirt and panties, with my computer under my feet, the window's open letting in the breeze, vogue beside me, waiting for the boy to call, writing about nonsense and why my heart still isn't fully closed. Why isn't it fully closed tonight? I think it's more of my head right now, and the fact that everything around me seems to be scotch-taped together for the time being.

No job, no money, no cares right? Fuck that, seriously, I need something so that I don't sit around listening to everybody else's day this summer. I need something to do, other than read or watch skins. I want to just get into something, I wanted this job so that I could be passionate about it, and now it's slipped through my fingers, basically. I should just forget it. All I am is bad luck anyway. And that's not just negative thinking, I think positive enough alright, but I am just bad luck. that's just me.

I also don't get why I can't just accept myself for me. I think I'm beautiful. I'm going to wear a dress tomorrow, and enjoy it and go uptown and feel pretty, but at the same time I have all of these external links telling me that I am or not, and I know inside my own head I am but then the sugar=plum fucking fairy will just crash all those thoughts down, or something. It's tooth decay for my self-confidence, and it's fast forwarding through all of my fears and blowing them up. I am healthy, why does it bother me so much?

I guess it's just one of those days. Those days that start off great, but by the end of it you just want to rip up the vogue in everyone's face and throw it out the goddamn window. I want to make this room isolated, so that in here I feel differently about everything. I also can't find my remote or my cheque book, life's going great today.

Just fuck.

I don't even feel like writing, and I haven't much lately. I tried yesterday, and it was shit. I'm not forcing it obviously, but I just wish I could write more. I want some water but I don't want to get up and get it...first world problems.

jI can't even turn on my ipod headphones really loud and feel better because my ipod is MIA due to it's breaking. Blech.