I was reading today, for about five hours straight, and I kept having this feeling that I've had since I was little. When I was a baby I wouldn't sleep, ever, so my parents found that if they played music I would fall asleep easier, but if the tape ended I would wake up and immediately start screaming. As I grew, I tended to need more of this music in order to continue sleeping, but I have these visions from when I was young and I would see the Cat in the Hat's tall hat's shadow against my door, or see Bert and Ernie's shadow on my closet, or see the Easter Bunny's shape in the clouds... I would feel this unbelievably low feeling, low as the physical, literal sensation of something happening low in my chest.
And when I got older, and we moved to the city, it started happening.
I've never written about this, and even when I talk about it I make no sense, but I think it's insanity breaks so I feel like it's an important part of me. This feeling is the kind of feeling where I question the universe itself, when I believed in God I used to pull myself out of my body, up to heaven above the clouds, and pretend I was God and his friends playing with a large dollhouse, because I seriously believed that was how life and fate, destiny and events played out.
I asked the question if I just stayed in bed and didn't go to school in the mroning, nothing would happen, I could just do nothing because I was an insignificant spot on the earth, no matter what I did nothing would be different, because people don't make changes, fate did. Then I stopped believing in fate altogether, and that's when the separation began to go further, to the point where I liked doing it, because it made me feel departure from reality.
I guess that was the beginning of my wish dreams, but it was more than that. These feelings and thoughts would only come at night while I was in bed, and I would think if I wasn't here, if man and woman were never formulated, I'm getting senses of it now, it is deeper than zoning out...Let me try...
If there is nothing and I say nothing than nothing happens, my life is just a life and a breath I take is a breath to me but that is in my head, my head is separate from yours and you can't see my thoughts...Once I die I am nothing.
That was the beginning of my fear of running out of time, because I realised that once I die, I will never be able to see or do whatever I want ever again. That is just the end, my body being buried and everything is gone, no more talking, no more thoughts. The thought of having no thought, no facial expression, no hunger no hair to worry about no worries no..nothing, is terrifying. I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of not being here anymore.
And I started thinking these things, in more complex, meditative states that happen only at night but here I am in the dimly lit bedroom at university,reading about natural selection and the survival of those adaptations and variations of the species that will survive to the environmets and habitations surrounding them... I don't understand why, but I won't be able to shake this feeling this time.
If I didn't get up in the morning, people would worry, but my spot, my friend of God's sitting up in the clouds would drop me and pick up another doll, because we are justliving on a snowflake. Earth is somebody else's whoville, if that makes any sense.
And even if it doesn't it does to me, which is what reality is, isn't it? Truth is socialised, truth and honestyy are figments of imagination in the true honest scheme of things. The fact that trust is an issue at all, that you can't see what I am thinking at any moment scares you, because I hide things inside of my head just like everybody else does, these feelings, these deep chest light headed feelings about death and nothingness.
I think about not waking up and never would, because that implemented fear of not being able to have the option of doing anything ever again scares me, terrifies me against ever not taking the opportuniites given to me... but still, I now even right now...can't stop thinking about the inbetween that we live in, the insecurity unstability chaotic realities that every person lives in...
I can't believe I just wrote this.
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