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I am deteriorating.

Not like before. Not like when there was something missing. Funnilly enough I know what was missing now, and it's an incredible feeling. I think it was around the time of my last eye surgery that it was gone and I knew it. I couldn't write using a pen anymore, and so writing lost its meaning. I am back on that now, and somehow things don't seem so bad, so terrible, so down. I may not be floating up, but I'm floating.

But now I am deteriorating in a different way.

Sometimes I feel like getting older is a form of deterioration, like the fact that my eyesight deteriorates because of my aging (or the disease, give or take) or something like the thickness of my hair deteriorates in its thickness as I age. I think that in my head am deteriorating from my stuck-like-glue self confidence problem, and wondering if there is something else.

Why is there greed at all? I don't get it. I don't understand why people go through school and spend thousands of dollars to do something they hate to make a lot of money. I don't understand I can't comprehend that. Different personalities I guess, but god damnit if they spent ten seconds at my job everything would be different. You don't have to be outgoing, or funny or anything the kids don't judge, they just need someone to hold on to.

I want to let someone hold onto me for the rest of my life as long as they need me.

I watched Leap Year a couple years ago and thought of the question they continually brought up in it that was If your house was on fire what possession would you grab to save? I have thought about this a lot recently, thinking through all of my things, and I guess I had done this when I was younger as well.

I remember when I was in elemntary school I would've grabbed the fourth harry potter book, and then run to my sister to get her out. Highschool? My brother. Siblings have been a constant in my saving from a fire. Now I think about this question, and as I write this I look around my room. there are things that I love dearly, my teddy bear from when I was little, necklaces and jewelry that has been given to me, my cellphone, but in all reality that is known to me if the fire alarm went off at three in the morning, I would run to my roommates' rooms to make sure they got out okay.

I don't care about things. I don't care about my computer. I don't care about my books. I don't care about my clothes. I don't care about my ipod or cd's or any other piece of redundancy in my life. If my house were on fire I would save the only things that would keep me going after the fire, and that would be the ones I love.

I guess this is appropriate on Valentine's Day, to write about my life long dreams and the ones I love, but it is actually true. Something inside of me made a gameplan when I realised I had a fear of driving that whenever if ever I got in a car accident I would rip off my seabelt (O used to practise) and make sure my baby brother who was in a car seat was okay and protect my sister. I haven't cared about myself getting out of that fire or that car in a long time.

I am happy when the people I care about around me are happiest. that's what is important to me. Not winning the Worlds or going to the bar every weekend, not getting the biggest paycheck or seeing every band in concert. I want to see everything that I want to see. I want to experience life on every spectrum, every level, from every possible outlet that I can. And I want to love people, and take care of them, and know that I am needed in their lives, and that by caring they are happy too.