I've thought a lot about challenges today. I haven't writtena lot, and I think that's because I have all of these notebooks at my fingertips, and I am returning to the organic notion of writing and my writing in particular. I don't like writing online, I don't think well online, and I'm beginning to think it's because I think too much. So I hereby challenge myself to write in a notebook everyday, whatever I want, and on here three times a week. It's reasonable.
Other things that I've challenged myself with lately are obvious and miniscule at the same time. Having a stupidly heavy courseload for this semester, along with maintaining any kind of social life and relationship, along with maintaining this writing schedule and interest in media and television. I challenged myself just today to reach my heels down during a yoga pose, and I still can't quite get there but that is my new goal. Goals are so important to me, and I'm beginning to shape my dreams and hopes around these goals that I've set for myself.
That's why I'm so good at time management, because when I don't reach a goal I disappoint myself. I have so much that I want to do before one am and I'm not going to be able to do all of those things, and I'm really upset about it. I want to write so much right now because I have time and it's driving me insane.
I think my insanity is measured with a theoretical measuring cup, and the solidarity of it all is being weighed with stones. Some of my stones are big and mishapen, hard to fit into this cup, and others slip right in, but all in all my insanity is flowing right now. A good reason why I'm beginning to take yoga vibe flow seriously. I need more water, I challenge myself to have w ater everyday, so much water like I did last semester. I need a smaller water bottle, or one that I keep on campus.
Or one that is bought I suppose, I've tried caring for the environment but I'm an artist...Well, I do care about the environment but I care about preserving history and abolishing poverty and equality and love so much more. I'm in love with so many people it's beginning to give me headaches, but I'm not focusing on the pain, it doesn't really hurt anyway, it challenges me to open my mind soul and heart to more people.
I sound like a hallmark card for rehab.
I need more sun salutations, I may start doing them everyday. I heard somewhere that if you do them five times everyday it's really good for you. I want to do that, that's my next challenge. I don't exactly treat my body like a temple, but I treat it with respect. It's sort of given me a shit time for no reason all my life, so I'm going to treat it nicely but if I want to eat chocolate buttons I'm gonna eat some god damn choclate buttons. I love British candy.
Something about challenging myself doesn't cut it though. It doesn't get me motivated, it's nonchallant. Nothing motivates me anymore, I want something to be passionate about that is motivating. Direct, I need direction. I need a sanity, life compass. We should invent one of those, that tells hyou just what to do and when. Mine would be made out of mahogany wood. Is that how you spell that?
Interested but a long line of other things comes around too,
sometimes I talk too many questioning to say or think or wonder,
too many too much too lots of money wasted on pain and dunks and downers,
or lovers, wow, so much lost on lovers, it's a headache it's a daft laugh,
it's a long list of mistakes or worries, a long list of panty-hose dark brown legs
underneath a black skirt, but the face is white white wondering what foster care is,
wondering what subjectivity and domestic violence is, wondering but never asking,
nefver standing out of their chairs or setting down the double double machine-gun-holed coffe cup,
whose lid is too big too much to fit to a lip or parted, or two lips, or more,
the windows of the backseat heated up, our breath had too much to say too much to hide from,
in the fog, in the night, too much that we were too afraid to say or do,
too much to remmember, too much to think to why why why why what,
why would we think of what would we do with out all of the signals
and signs,
signs
signs
signs
why why why why
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