I am frustrated

Blogspot kills me, I am disappointed with the layout at the moment, and until I a) get a new computer, or b) figure out how to fix the layouts of this and tumblr, I think I'm going to start posting on one of my wordpress accounts. I haven't quite figured it all out, but here's the link for now: www.convenientrepertoire.wordpress.com

convenience

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5lZ9wciZQM Watch that video and continue to delve into my thoughts about happiness, storytelling, the importance of connections and the fact that everybody has a story that can ignite anything in anyone. I've always been the kind of person who's told stories, many many stories about people I know what happened to me or things I've seen or read, or made up. I tell stories, that's what I do to feel happy, I talk to myself in the shower, I dream everyday for most of the day about possibilities and travelling and lives, it's just the way I am. I am also a collector; I collect everything from rocks to playbills to ticket stubs to wristbands to old jewellry. I do not have the heart to stop, I just collect them. I used to collect things that I found, I still do I guess. There's this story I always tell about when I was little I had such an imagination that I used to have a string with beads on it that I used to wear as a necklace. In the car or at my parents' friends' houses I would take off that necklace and give each bead a voice, a character, and make a story out of it. It usually involved a court room or some sort of family situation, but everytime I finished playing I would shuffle the beads and start again. I tell that story because I believe that you don't need stimulation to be imaginative, you do not need a muse to continue to be meaningful and enjoy what you do, you just need the incentive, the motivation from within to actually do it. A woman told me today that she spent six weeks backpacking through Paris in steel toed boots with only one backpack and a lunchbox. She offered to lend me her backpack that she used for my abckpacking trip, and I thanked her for her kidnness. What stories does that bag hold do you think? It got me thinking, and I found the above video and just always feel so invigorated by travel stories, stories about people that are livening. It is amazing to me that everybody has something different in their heads. It is arbitrary to me that people do not think of that; why is it not unusual to anyone else that I am thinking something completely different from you right now? I am just so enthralled in everything to do with the psyche, the passion that people carry,dreams, goals. There is so much to think of in one moment, in one second, in one flash. I want to spend my life engulfed in other people's stories in order to maintain happiness within my own. WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO BE HAPPY, AND BE WITH PEOPLE WHO WANT TO BE HAPPY, AND LISTEN AND TELL, AND ENJOY, AND HOLD HANDS AND HAVE AN IMPACT ON PEOPLE. If I can make one person make a positive decision by the things I know, the way I articulate the things that I say, by listening or holding their hands just when they need it, then I know that I don't need any money, or materials, a fancy house or even to travel that far. I would love those things, but I do not need much but my will to listen and give, take and radiate on. I want nothing but to have an affectionate effect on people, leave a legacy of hope and love and smiling.

padington bear

There are only a couple of posters on my wallls right now because there really isn't a lot of room for anything else at the moment. The three that are up are: my john lennon painting -my signed picture of walter gretzky, and, the back ended picture of the dress that I want, in white, and to say some very special short vows in. I just set up my room for the evening, pulled down my sheets and piled up my five pillows, set the two vogues I need to read and the europe travel guide on the sill. Once it gets dark enough I'll open my window and turn on my lamp, and just stick to myself. I have achieved a comfortable place in my room, finally, after a month of being at home, I am finally comfortable in this space. I am back being uncomfortable, however, about my money situation. Fuck, I can't even go ten minutes without wondering what it would be like to not have to worry about this kind of stuff. It makes me a different person then if I didn't have to worry, but it is stressful. Money is so obsolete in my happiness, unless it brings me good food, travel, and memories. I guess it does sometimes, I wish that I could just not worry. Worrying nis something that is hard for me to get around, I worry about everything. I want to say right now in this post'O pledge to no longer worry about england and be excited,' but the truth is I won't be able to start even getting excited until I've paid for residence, and figured out the money..Started work, start packing and buying the things that are needed, start thinking about actually leaving. I don't have problems with saving money, I just like to go and spend time with people who like to go out and do things. I knew it'd be hard, but it just keeps getting harder. I have a good time, but there was this beautiful dress in the bay ytesterday that I absolutely loved, but couldn't buy..and there was this beautiful shade of red sephora lipstick, but no. Not today, world, not today jessie, not today. I've been thinking about writing after I finish this book. When I was at work two weeks ago I started writing this story in a notebook, and I'm thinking about starting to write it, and actually start feeling good about writing it, it is such an exciting idea. I am so happy with it, I don't want to write anything for YA, no erotica, no mysteries, just some straightforward novelistic prose for me, finally a story. I wrote a poem the other day too, I can't do any more poetry at the moment, but I will keep on trying. I hate balance, I hate attempting to balance, I hate hate hate it that I have to hate balance. I can't be rich and beautiful and environmentally friendly and donate to charities and watch every tv show and be in with modern literature and go out dirnking and be happy with my life. I can't deal with balance, but there are days where the balancing turns off completely, and I'd like to just sit in bed and read someone else's life for a while. I'm also so excited for the Olympics to start. TEAM CANADA clothes shopping day should come up soon, I decided I want a sweater or tshirt for london, I want to just get the money to buy all these things, and then just go. just go. don't be discouraged, this is going to be amazing. It's already amazing, less than three months.

lobsters

I've been up at the trailer for the past couple days, I haven't showered and I haven't been around many people but my family. I am excited to go home however, as much as I was very excited to come up here I've had a lot of sunburns and ice cream, bbq and fancy drinks in the dark. I have been having a great time, but I am ready to get back to my room and do a work out and write the speech that I'm giving on friday.... Shit, I need to write... Everyone cross their fingers and toes for me, just god damn do it right now. GOALS FOR RIGHT NEOW: RELAX. BE HAPPY. stop worrying about money relax, did i say relax? read up onf rankfurt WRITE workout everyday drink more water I think I've got it, I mean...I'm not perfect. I get upset easilly, and I'm tired of being very uprtight and stressed out a lot. I'm ready to grow up anytime now, I;m trying to come to terms with myself... I think I need to make a change. I've been saying that for a while, maybe I should actually make the change. I'm debating about throwing out all of my memories... I may... I'm on a health kick I guess, not doing so so well, maybe I should just stop eating sugar altogether..I've been thinking about doing a cleanse too, but I sort of like the way I look. I know I say that, and I do believe it, but I would just like to actually feel confident about myself for once. I try.I haven't stopped trying. Is there two p's in stopped? It is so hot in this place right now, and I am burnt to a crisp and tired, and could just go for like...a long cold ish shower after a workout and then watching new girl until I fall asleep. That is seriously what I'm thinking of doing tomorrow afternoon, along with something small and important that I can't put here. Anyways, I'm going to be okay. I am okay. I am going to make a change, and be positive and confident. And I am going to stop worrying about money at this moment right now. I will work when I can, and volunteer while I can't, and dream about wing nights and beer in the UK until I get there, and smile everyday.

first in a bit

I wish money was less important in this stupid society, that I could do everything I wanted to instead of sitting at home going crazy. I want to go get lattes and be with friends and enjoy wing nights and travel, not sit at home and wish i was there. O need work, I need money, and it's sort of bothering me. We're going to the bank next week so hopefully that will go well. I need to clean my room, after I'm finished this movie I'm going to shower and then do a major clean up! I actually like my room with things all over but it looks kind of silly, so I thought I'd clean it up and leave the weekend with a shining room! Or atleast a clean floor! I downloaded over six hundred songs in the past day, and I missed music a lot. I forgot to put the new top forty songs on, I think I'll do that later tonight when my sister has the rest of them ready. I need something here to settle my head. I will have enough money for the fall, I will be able to do anything I want to, I will be able to spend a little money on myself despite the fact that this entire trip is for me. I want to basically just enjoy my summer, not spend it fucking worrying if I can spare two fifty for a tea. I hate this. I fucking hate this. This weekend will be a good distraction. I am going to write when I'm there, up at the beach, we're bringing my computer so I'm excited about that. I'd like to drink some palm bays and take a break from the suburbs and the friggen rudeness of everybody here. I'm getting kind of sick of everybody's style here, I want to just go and sit in a shop or pub and talk, not having to dance or sit beside a loud speaker and yell. I don't want to have bows and whistles, I want to just be simple. Simplicity. I wish that more in my life and in my head would be cohesive with simplicity. My head tricks my head into thinking that I like simple things, but I like a little complexity once in a while. Man, I don't get anything anymore. I want to eat a huge roast beef dinner right now, I wish I could eat anything I wanted and not get fat...get more fat. hulk smash

don't stop me now

I am going to say something, and I am not taking it back, and I don't want to talk about it. I have broken my writer's block. I am twenty yearsold, and my secret to defeating writer's block is make believe. It's worse than dreaming because it is out loud, but it is delusional when you've been in an enclosed room for a week staring at nothing, it's delusional, and inevitable. And revoluationary. I'm seven pages into a new story, and I love it already, and I know I'll keep writing it when I fall in love with something about it. That makes it a count of three full stories in the past year that I've actually liked writing, and about twenty poems. I think that's good enough for me, and an accomplishment I can just never lose my imagination, which also means I need to let it roam free sometimes, which I've done in the past few days, and look at me now.

I don't reread these

I realised last night that I never reread my blogs, like I've never actually seen the webpage that these go on, because I never really check them. I did yesterday, and everything that i've written from work doesn't have paragraph breaks, which sort of bothers me a whole lot. I am going to try to fix this, maybe it is only my computer, so this post may look realy wonky. I am wearing my flowery dress tomorrow and no one can stop me! I AM ME AND I AM OKAY WITH THAT. I used to have a friend who had that on a poster, and I've been saying it a lot lately. I don't think it's necessary to worry anymore, like actually. Today is Thursday, which means tomorrow is friday and ultimately the beginning of the weekend. Next week is next week, and on next Tuesday I may find out about the job, which would really be helpful for my sanity right now, since it's hanging there by a thread. I'm doing better since yeserday morning though, in good spirits. Thoughts don't work properly inside my head sometimes, I forget things in an instant. I can't reread what I just said and I have no recollection, I'm just eating an apple, and now the thought is gone. I'm debating on starting somethign completely new. I've been thinking about it for a little while now, and it is a writing project that would be interesting to work on. Despite my work with a certain birthday ppresent, that will be the project I am working on, and possibly getting audible.com to play me the mortal instruments book finally, since I still think the two star-crossed-lovers are siblings...Maybe I should read the next book to figure all that out. And there's a new gossip girl on! I also should write that review on that poetm that I said I would, maybe I'll do that this weekend too....Or I'll lay around and watch skins, that's very very likely. Habe you ever heard meat loaf sing 'when i touch you like this?' etc? It's like the most passionate song a man with a mullet could pull off, I imagine him sitting on his knees in a hardwood floored room crying, holding just a dress, thinking of his lost love....with his mullet. Moment ruined yet again by hair. There are lots of other moments that could be ruined by hair.....but um, this is turning too comical or gross for my liking, I'd like to finish this apple. Long post today due to the lack of me having anything to do, day one of three hopefully only three. NOTE TO SELF:UT MONEY IN YOUR SAVINGS ACCOUNT..... so I won't spend it, obviously. that would be nice, wouldn't it? If I didn't spend money...HAHAHAHAHAHAA. Seriously, I may stop drinking just to afford residence next semester, which doesn't say much of late since I haven't had a drink in a while and if I have it has not been any alcohol that I have purchased. I have like ten dollars saved up for my friend's birthday this sunday, and pooosibly five more for my other friend's birthday tuesday, otherwise....I want to go to wonderland, so that's fifty dollars, and the rest I kind of have to just not do anything. I don't mind, I like free rides to the beach sometimes and working, it actually is a nice life. I like donig things on my computer or reading, or watching tv shows with my boyfriend as opposed to going bowling or something. We can entertain ourselve,s, ie going for a drive in the pouring rain in the middle of the night in a standard over a bridge under construction, despite the entire horrifying nature of that scene for me.....He keeps me safe, I guess Today is vision health month, so don't forget to wear sunglasses, be considerate of people who need to take a little more time, get your eyes checked reguarly and wear your glasses if you need them! Your sight is important, you never know what can happen, to anything for that matter. Take care, and give your grandparents a hug next time you see them, they're probably seeing the world differently than when they were your age! hugs, xx