I am frustrated

Blogspot kills me, I am disappointed with the layout at the moment, and until I a) get a new computer, or b) figure out how to fix the layouts of this and tumblr, I think I'm going to start posting on one of my wordpress accounts. I haven't quite figured it all out, but here's the link for now: www.convenientrepertoire.wordpress.com

convenience

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5lZ9wciZQM Watch that video and continue to delve into my thoughts about happiness, storytelling, the importance of connections and the fact that everybody has a story that can ignite anything in anyone. I've always been the kind of person who's told stories, many many stories about people I know what happened to me or things I've seen or read, or made up. I tell stories, that's what I do to feel happy, I talk to myself in the shower, I dream everyday for most of the day about possibilities and travelling and lives, it's just the way I am. I am also a collector; I collect everything from rocks to playbills to ticket stubs to wristbands to old jewellry. I do not have the heart to stop, I just collect them. I used to collect things that I found, I still do I guess. There's this story I always tell about when I was little I had such an imagination that I used to have a string with beads on it that I used to wear as a necklace. In the car or at my parents' friends' houses I would take off that necklace and give each bead a voice, a character, and make a story out of it. It usually involved a court room or some sort of family situation, but everytime I finished playing I would shuffle the beads and start again. I tell that story because I believe that you don't need stimulation to be imaginative, you do not need a muse to continue to be meaningful and enjoy what you do, you just need the incentive, the motivation from within to actually do it. A woman told me today that she spent six weeks backpacking through Paris in steel toed boots with only one backpack and a lunchbox. She offered to lend me her backpack that she used for my abckpacking trip, and I thanked her for her kidnness. What stories does that bag hold do you think? It got me thinking, and I found the above video and just always feel so invigorated by travel stories, stories about people that are livening. It is amazing to me that everybody has something different in their heads. It is arbitrary to me that people do not think of that; why is it not unusual to anyone else that I am thinking something completely different from you right now? I am just so enthralled in everything to do with the psyche, the passion that people carry,dreams, goals. There is so much to think of in one moment, in one second, in one flash. I want to spend my life engulfed in other people's stories in order to maintain happiness within my own. WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO BE HAPPY, AND BE WITH PEOPLE WHO WANT TO BE HAPPY, AND LISTEN AND TELL, AND ENJOY, AND HOLD HANDS AND HAVE AN IMPACT ON PEOPLE. If I can make one person make a positive decision by the things I know, the way I articulate the things that I say, by listening or holding their hands just when they need it, then I know that I don't need any money, or materials, a fancy house or even to travel that far. I would love those things, but I do not need much but my will to listen and give, take and radiate on. I want nothing but to have an affectionate effect on people, leave a legacy of hope and love and smiling.

padington bear

There are only a couple of posters on my wallls right now because there really isn't a lot of room for anything else at the moment. The three that are up are: my john lennon painting -my signed picture of walter gretzky, and, the back ended picture of the dress that I want, in white, and to say some very special short vows in. I just set up my room for the evening, pulled down my sheets and piled up my five pillows, set the two vogues I need to read and the europe travel guide on the sill. Once it gets dark enough I'll open my window and turn on my lamp, and just stick to myself. I have achieved a comfortable place in my room, finally, after a month of being at home, I am finally comfortable in this space. I am back being uncomfortable, however, about my money situation. Fuck, I can't even go ten minutes without wondering what it would be like to not have to worry about this kind of stuff. It makes me a different person then if I didn't have to worry, but it is stressful. Money is so obsolete in my happiness, unless it brings me good food, travel, and memories. I guess it does sometimes, I wish that I could just not worry. Worrying nis something that is hard for me to get around, I worry about everything. I want to say right now in this post'O pledge to no longer worry about england and be excited,' but the truth is I won't be able to start even getting excited until I've paid for residence, and figured out the money..Started work, start packing and buying the things that are needed, start thinking about actually leaving. I don't have problems with saving money, I just like to go and spend time with people who like to go out and do things. I knew it'd be hard, but it just keeps getting harder. I have a good time, but there was this beautiful dress in the bay ytesterday that I absolutely loved, but couldn't buy..and there was this beautiful shade of red sephora lipstick, but no. Not today, world, not today jessie, not today. I've been thinking about writing after I finish this book. When I was at work two weeks ago I started writing this story in a notebook, and I'm thinking about starting to write it, and actually start feeling good about writing it, it is such an exciting idea. I am so happy with it, I don't want to write anything for YA, no erotica, no mysteries, just some straightforward novelistic prose for me, finally a story. I wrote a poem the other day too, I can't do any more poetry at the moment, but I will keep on trying. I hate balance, I hate attempting to balance, I hate hate hate it that I have to hate balance. I can't be rich and beautiful and environmentally friendly and donate to charities and watch every tv show and be in with modern literature and go out dirnking and be happy with my life. I can't deal with balance, but there are days where the balancing turns off completely, and I'd like to just sit in bed and read someone else's life for a while. I'm also so excited for the Olympics to start. TEAM CANADA clothes shopping day should come up soon, I decided I want a sweater or tshirt for london, I want to just get the money to buy all these things, and then just go. just go. don't be discouraged, this is going to be amazing. It's already amazing, less than three months.

lobsters

I've been up at the trailer for the past couple days, I haven't showered and I haven't been around many people but my family. I am excited to go home however, as much as I was very excited to come up here I've had a lot of sunburns and ice cream, bbq and fancy drinks in the dark. I have been having a great time, but I am ready to get back to my room and do a work out and write the speech that I'm giving on friday.... Shit, I need to write... Everyone cross their fingers and toes for me, just god damn do it right now. GOALS FOR RIGHT NEOW: RELAX. BE HAPPY. stop worrying about money relax, did i say relax? read up onf rankfurt WRITE workout everyday drink more water I think I've got it, I mean...I'm not perfect. I get upset easilly, and I'm tired of being very uprtight and stressed out a lot. I'm ready to grow up anytime now, I;m trying to come to terms with myself... I think I need to make a change. I've been saying that for a while, maybe I should actually make the change. I'm debating about throwing out all of my memories... I may... I'm on a health kick I guess, not doing so so well, maybe I should just stop eating sugar altogether..I've been thinking about doing a cleanse too, but I sort of like the way I look. I know I say that, and I do believe it, but I would just like to actually feel confident about myself for once. I try.I haven't stopped trying. Is there two p's in stopped? It is so hot in this place right now, and I am burnt to a crisp and tired, and could just go for like...a long cold ish shower after a workout and then watching new girl until I fall asleep. That is seriously what I'm thinking of doing tomorrow afternoon, along with something small and important that I can't put here. Anyways, I'm going to be okay. I am okay. I am going to make a change, and be positive and confident. And I am going to stop worrying about money at this moment right now. I will work when I can, and volunteer while I can't, and dream about wing nights and beer in the UK until I get there, and smile everyday.

first in a bit

I wish money was less important in this stupid society, that I could do everything I wanted to instead of sitting at home going crazy. I want to go get lattes and be with friends and enjoy wing nights and travel, not sit at home and wish i was there. O need work, I need money, and it's sort of bothering me. We're going to the bank next week so hopefully that will go well. I need to clean my room, after I'm finished this movie I'm going to shower and then do a major clean up! I actually like my room with things all over but it looks kind of silly, so I thought I'd clean it up and leave the weekend with a shining room! Or atleast a clean floor! I downloaded over six hundred songs in the past day, and I missed music a lot. I forgot to put the new top forty songs on, I think I'll do that later tonight when my sister has the rest of them ready. I need something here to settle my head. I will have enough money for the fall, I will be able to do anything I want to, I will be able to spend a little money on myself despite the fact that this entire trip is for me. I want to basically just enjoy my summer, not spend it fucking worrying if I can spare two fifty for a tea. I hate this. I fucking hate this. This weekend will be a good distraction. I am going to write when I'm there, up at the beach, we're bringing my computer so I'm excited about that. I'd like to drink some palm bays and take a break from the suburbs and the friggen rudeness of everybody here. I'm getting kind of sick of everybody's style here, I want to just go and sit in a shop or pub and talk, not having to dance or sit beside a loud speaker and yell. I don't want to have bows and whistles, I want to just be simple. Simplicity. I wish that more in my life and in my head would be cohesive with simplicity. My head tricks my head into thinking that I like simple things, but I like a little complexity once in a while. Man, I don't get anything anymore. I want to eat a huge roast beef dinner right now, I wish I could eat anything I wanted and not get fat...get more fat. hulk smash

don't stop me now

I am going to say something, and I am not taking it back, and I don't want to talk about it. I have broken my writer's block. I am twenty yearsold, and my secret to defeating writer's block is make believe. It's worse than dreaming because it is out loud, but it is delusional when you've been in an enclosed room for a week staring at nothing, it's delusional, and inevitable. And revoluationary. I'm seven pages into a new story, and I love it already, and I know I'll keep writing it when I fall in love with something about it. That makes it a count of three full stories in the past year that I've actually liked writing, and about twenty poems. I think that's good enough for me, and an accomplishment I can just never lose my imagination, which also means I need to let it roam free sometimes, which I've done in the past few days, and look at me now.

I don't reread these

I realised last night that I never reread my blogs, like I've never actually seen the webpage that these go on, because I never really check them. I did yesterday, and everything that i've written from work doesn't have paragraph breaks, which sort of bothers me a whole lot. I am going to try to fix this, maybe it is only my computer, so this post may look realy wonky. I am wearing my flowery dress tomorrow and no one can stop me! I AM ME AND I AM OKAY WITH THAT. I used to have a friend who had that on a poster, and I've been saying it a lot lately. I don't think it's necessary to worry anymore, like actually. Today is Thursday, which means tomorrow is friday and ultimately the beginning of the weekend. Next week is next week, and on next Tuesday I may find out about the job, which would really be helpful for my sanity right now, since it's hanging there by a thread. I'm doing better since yeserday morning though, in good spirits. Thoughts don't work properly inside my head sometimes, I forget things in an instant. I can't reread what I just said and I have no recollection, I'm just eating an apple, and now the thought is gone. I'm debating on starting somethign completely new. I've been thinking about it for a little while now, and it is a writing project that would be interesting to work on. Despite my work with a certain birthday ppresent, that will be the project I am working on, and possibly getting audible.com to play me the mortal instruments book finally, since I still think the two star-crossed-lovers are siblings...Maybe I should read the next book to figure all that out. And there's a new gossip girl on! I also should write that review on that poetm that I said I would, maybe I'll do that this weekend too....Or I'll lay around and watch skins, that's very very likely. Habe you ever heard meat loaf sing 'when i touch you like this?' etc? It's like the most passionate song a man with a mullet could pull off, I imagine him sitting on his knees in a hardwood floored room crying, holding just a dress, thinking of his lost love....with his mullet. Moment ruined yet again by hair. There are lots of other moments that could be ruined by hair.....but um, this is turning too comical or gross for my liking, I'd like to finish this apple. Long post today due to the lack of me having anything to do, day one of three hopefully only three. NOTE TO SELF:UT MONEY IN YOUR SAVINGS ACCOUNT..... so I won't spend it, obviously. that would be nice, wouldn't it? If I didn't spend money...HAHAHAHAHAHAA. Seriously, I may stop drinking just to afford residence next semester, which doesn't say much of late since I haven't had a drink in a while and if I have it has not been any alcohol that I have purchased. I have like ten dollars saved up for my friend's birthday this sunday, and pooosibly five more for my other friend's birthday tuesday, otherwise....I want to go to wonderland, so that's fifty dollars, and the rest I kind of have to just not do anything. I don't mind, I like free rides to the beach sometimes and working, it actually is a nice life. I like donig things on my computer or reading, or watching tv shows with my boyfriend as opposed to going bowling or something. We can entertain ourselve,s, ie going for a drive in the pouring rain in the middle of the night in a standard over a bridge under construction, despite the entire horrifying nature of that scene for me.....He keeps me safe, I guess Today is vision health month, so don't forget to wear sunglasses, be considerate of people who need to take a little more time, get your eyes checked reguarly and wear your glasses if you need them! Your sight is important, you never know what can happen, to anything for that matter. Take care, and give your grandparents a hug next time you see them, they're probably seeing the world differently than when they were your age! hugs, xx

May Ninth, 2012-TravelDiary

Making my way downtown, walking fast, faces pass and I'm homebound May Ninth, two thousand twelve, TravelDiary PreDeparture One I have been stressing a lot about money lately, trying to budget to make sure that I can still go on this trip at all. I keep findin things that are expenses and am getting pressured to stress about it from my family. I just sat down, and with a realistic budget for food especially, I think that it is best for me to get a loan in order to help me out with this adventure. This actual adventure. In less stressful, more exciting news I found a link that gives the top one hundred things to do in London in two thousand twelve, and I literally want to do them all. Having afternoon tea, Royal gardens, the Ghost bus tour, Late night museums, it just all sounds so fantastic. We are going to be there for four months, so it makes sense that I start a bucketlist now and go with the flow, I like to pan but I like spontanuity too....sometime I am making plans with my aunt for a trip to London, Ontario in early June to look for a travelling backpack, hopefully the second weekend and I will be able to start wearing it and my running shoes around! Getting used to everything, and getting all of my complaining out now so that I won't bother AJ the two weks before September! This afternoon I am looking at wellies and a raincoat as well, may have a new raincoat come dinnertime! It all depends on how much it is, I am checking on it today I guess. It was on sale last time too, I hope it goes well! I am also looking at portable CCTV's, which will allow me to read and take pictures of things that are of the textual mediums. I willbe able to read brochures, playbills, magazines, my international vogues, and everything and anything else that could come into my lap. I am hoping to have it by August, so that I can learn how to use it, and bring it with me. Thanks is given to the UoG CSD for allowing me to have the opportunity to use my eyes once again! I leave this off with a sort of half-assed compassionate note. I am excited for the trip, but at the same time I'm terrified that somethign will go wrong with my sister's eyes while I'm gone and I won't be here to help her. I'm debating getting her set up wth the CNIB before I leave just in case, because I will be gone for four months, and we are both so unstable... Anyways, I just wanted to clarify that although I'm gone on this adventure, I'm still me, I'm still goig to want to be here too, I just need to do this in order to continue on becoming myself. It is time now for me to do something outstanding individually...With a little help, of course, but for the most part figuring through this on my own. Take Charge, take care, until next time, Jessica D. Watkin <3

roses

My dad brought me my tea today at work in this dark mug with Beast holding a red rose on it, and he told me to look at the mug, and I remember when I first saw it. I was four, and my parents had taken just me not my sister to Toronto to see The Beauty and the Beast at the Princess of Whales theatre. I hadn't really gone to Toronto, so this was a huge thing for me. We got this mug, and literally I can't remember a time without it, it has really beena s ymbol of comfort for me. I really would like to get back into reading, bt I can't see myself doing it until tomorrow. There's a couple books that I have lined up rom last summer that I never got to that I'dlike to get to now, but I need to organise my computer and in order to do that I need to get motivated to do taht, so...That should happen sometime soon. I need motivation. I need to start thinking about just today, not worrying about next week. That's something that plagues me, andbothers me... When I was ilttle my Aunt was in university and she had these slippers, they were slip ons and huge and squishy, and I've always wanted one pair, just to have, I don't really wear slippers often though, so I guess I wouldnt use them until I had a house of my own.. Maybe I should bring my computer to work to work on it, I could read hunger games and organise it, I'll think about that for tomorrow, since I will be done phone calls by then and actually be out of thigns to do... Super dee duper. I wish the other job would pull through. Last night, North Carolina voted against gay marriage in their state, and it infuriated twitter, until I got on this morning to see a Canadian being a bitch about other Canadians being angry at North Carolina because Canada didn't have equal rights until less than ten years ago. Which I find stupid to be penialising people for, since I wasn't able to vote until two years ago, and this generation is the generation of equality change for all, or atleastto better it, and anyone is allowed to express their opinions or views on twitter, so if I'm upset that descrimination is happening because of religion I shouldn't be penialised just because the country I live in and the adults that run it decided to make things equal less than ten years ago. Similarily, I'm sure there are a great number of people who voted for equal rights for marriage in North Carolina, there fore it wasn't the entire state that is at fault, it's just the majority. Maybe more people should vote, so things like equal rights become common, and we can start focusing on other big issues as well, that can make just asmmuch of a change. I really want to download 9.11 press for truth, but none of the links will work, I don't know why I'm obnsessed with this. What else can I rant about? I don't think there is much today, other than the fact that I hate our government, and wish that things went faster and people were accepted and less bullshitting happened anywhere, but none of that can come true unfortunately, so I'm going to try to change the little piece of the world that surrounds me, and hope for the better. Also, I need a new poem, an actual, good, poem........please? two eyes peaking rom under a constructed curtain chopped halfway up, machete clean sweep, fingers crawling underneath, feeling the smooth cuts and chops, or pounds aganst the fabric, broken so quickly, wide eyes, lives disappear as quickly as they were brought, 101 deaths for every 193 lves, statistics ring in, across the floor two bodies lay, or three, eyes wide, sweeping through the scene, but no blood, just sleeping, two gauzy eyes sleepily wander, wonder sleepishly sheepishly if this was the right day to come outside, or if the machete was glued to the wall for a reason, i broke it down, He broke it down too, and they were still sleeping, nope, I really need something to come to me, fuck, I'm so tire d of stupid poems and stories, and being uncomfortable and unmotivated and getting bad sleeps, maybe next week will be better, something needs to change, maybe I will actually make the change this time, throw out the boxes of theatre transcripts and booklets, old papers and timelines, planners and notes, collages and life lessons, my toys, I can't throw those out, but anything I used to make to play with should just go.... I do't think I could do it, actually. I don't want to stop writing because then I'll have to figure somethig else to do... Maybe I'll start a new blog? No, I'll just keep writing. I actually am starting a new blog though, for my trip I think, I may start writing in it once I start actually buying and planning thigns, which I guess has started, I may just make that this blog, it already has the name for adventure. ouu what ifI wrote two posts today, one for an entry in my travel diary and one just like this, actually this one? I love this blog, because it's like a diary but nobody really reads it, so it's even more like a diary. perfect, it's almost like I'm back to whispering happy into someoe's, no one's, ear.

it's toxic

My goal for tonight is to organise my computer desktop and to start downloading songs for my ipod, as I am assuming I will be able to upbload it in the near future, which excites me greatly. Finally I can enjoy music again just in my own ears, and I really want the new GI Joe Trailer Seven Nation Army remix, Call me what you want to call me I love classic rock, that's my feild of expertise and has been for a long time, but give me something with base "that I can feel in my bowels" as of last sunday at phils and I will fall madly in love. I like all music loud, all music good, and all music to be individualised to what I like. I'm not one of those people who likes just the music and forgets about the artists, but at the same time it's all a unique experience for everybody, so I just want my unique experience to be for me only, I don't really care what everyone elwse thinks. I hate moves like jagger, a lot. I think I need to read more online articles that aren't the new york times, is stumblupon a thing? or pinterest? I may l;ook into those tomorrow at work and see if I'd like them, because I've been finding all kinds of articles that I find interesting lately, and I've never been one to really sit down and enjoy things like that... So maybe that will go well, and maybe I'll get bored and play pottermore las usual. I am hungry, I want a bagel. I also have a craving for popcorn today, so that will become a thing most likely. I want to write things but nothing's coming lately. I may go on another writing rampage like last summer, but everything needs to be decluttered before then, and my money situation really needs to calm itself down. I think my head just needs to get some sleep for a bit, but that's sort of hard inside my head, so I may just skip that and go straight on to relaxation mode for may two four weekend, beach days and palm bays baby, buenos dias! Maybe I;'ll make a big change today, throw something out that should be thrown out or something, make a big decision, or just sort of jump for joy or laugh a lot, I need something to change, maybe I should buy some Coca Cola, like the old days, and drink it while reading a good book. I need to get myself away fromm the tv and out on the back deck, I wish I could go swimmig. Hakuna Matata baby, I need to stop the stressing and realise that it's summer, it is summer time now. It is time for me to just take off the STRESSEDJESSIE hat and put on the VACATIONPLANNINGJESSIE hat, because that's all I want to do all day, and I wish more people felt the way I did. don't stress about money, or friendship, love, anxiety, faily, living situations, think about the good things in life and what good things do for your wrinklesL decrease them, due to all the smiling. Operation no wrinkles: smile everyday, all day. I want to be with the kids now though, badly, I want to be able to hold their little hands and tell them they're beautiful, and laugh with them and teach them new things. The list of thigns to do with them continues to grow, and I cannot stop getting so excited to see them all again. I think there needs to be a youth group for me to be able to see them, to get my daily/weekly dose of humbleness. I take too much for granted as muych as I hate admitting it, I should give away all of my posessions. Meditative breaths, yogi breaths, in and ot, de-clutter my head please, I want to go home and change into a dress, might do that, I am young and free and happy, and am a being within myself, and love the people around me, everything isn't toxic, but beautiful. I can see that.

writing in the dark

it could be unusual, but I'm at work so really it doesn't surpirise me, At first I thought that the power had gone out, and I was sort of excited, but then I realised no one had turned on the lights, which is so much less exciting. I used to always wish that there would be a fire alarm or an intruder alert or something really cool for real happen at my highschool so that I could experience it. I never experienced any bomb threats, or any alerts that were of merit. I think we stood outside for an hour in the snow because of a false fire drill, but other than that nothing lasted over half an hour. I crave excitement, which is why I just sit around writing blogs at work, obviously. Toda's the kind of day that I just wanna go home and have a couple beers on the back deck, but I assume it's going to rain before that can become a possibility, so I'll end up doing yoga and watching Horrible Bosses or something instead. I lead an exciting life. I dread working out, I really do. I think it's so stupid, like actually the stupidest thing to have to do ever. That's probably why I like yoga so much, because it feels like I'm actually doing something good for myself, not just making me exhausted and sweaty and hate the gym...+ Something's been wrong lately. I don't feel like donig anything again, and I'm not sure what this feeling is coming from. I guess it could be due to this job, being not what I wanted, or stress from working out, I haven't been sleeping so that doesn't help. I just hate everything right now, I am positive it will get better, but as for now I continue searching for the culprit and to exterminate it as soon as possible. I feel like I'm being plagued by something, like something is missing again. I can't believe I'm back here, I worked so hard to get out this past semester and now it's just totally back to being bullshit. Back to being headaches and unmotivated. I feel like it has something to do with the lack of control I have right now over anything. I don't work on my own independent from my parents, I don't eat independently, it's actually driving me insane. I can't stand it, it's a constatnt surveilance that just bugs me. I NEED SOMETHING TO SPARKLE, SOMETIME, PLEASE, LIKE ANYTHING WOULD BE GREAT. I need a lemonade and a vogue and some actual good music on my headphones for once, I miss my ipodl, I miss loud music, I miss wearing a big tshirt and panties and just relaxing. I miss sitting outside in the rain. I want to sit outside in the rain right now, right NOW. I need to get out, out of my head, I need to just get out of my head for a bit. I want to be in someone else's, I need a movie I haven't seen before so I can get out of my head.

re0do

I had a post all written up about humanity and the end of the world and bullshit that I wrote yesterday, but I don't know, I on'tthink I'm gonig to post it, not today anyway. I feel introspective today, is that a word? I want to be like Shakespeare and use my words to my own advantage, why can't words be more individual? UNIVERSALITY... eXCEPT NATIONSTATES TAKE THE CAKE FOR SEGREGATING EVERYONE SO THAT SOME PEOPLE GO HUNGRY AND OTHERS DINE ON GOLDEN CHAIRS, AND YET i SIT HERE SORT OF HUMBLED BY THE THOUGHT THAT THERE ARE BIGGER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT. hONESTLY, i HAVE BEEN BOTHERED A LOT LATELY. i NEED TO SORT THINGS OUT, SO HERE IT GOES. i'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT EATING DISORDERS LATELY, AND THE FACT THAT i HAVE THE ABILITY TO JUST STOP EATING, OR TO EAT AND THEN MAKE IT NOT BE THERE ANYMORE, AND EAT WHATEVER i WANT i HAVE THAT ABILITY i CAN JUST EAT CAKE EVERYDAY, GIVEN IT WOULD BE TERRIBLE NUTRITION AND EXPENSIVE, BUT i COULD. i DON'T WANT CAKE EVERYDAY THOUGH, BUT i DON'T WANT TO EAT RAW CELLERY ALL THE TIME EITHER. i HAVE NEVER THOUGHT SO MUCH ABOUT MY BODY THAN IN THE PAST THREE WEEKS, AS i SIT HERE IN A DRESS THAT IS UNFLATTERING BUT i WORE IT TODAY BECAUSE MY MOTHER BOUGHT IT FOR ME. iRONIC, THAT IS, THE UNFLATTERING DRESS THAT DOESN'T REALLY SIT WELL ON MY BODY IS SOMETHING THAT MY MOTHER GAVE ME. i WANT TO JUST SORT OF CURL UP SOMEWHERE AND FORGET THAT i HAVE A BODY AT ALL. aND THEN i THINK ABOUT THE THINGS THAT i LOVE, THE PEOPLE THAT i LOVE, AND IT'S FUNNY, BWECAUSE i DON'T THINK ABOUT PEOPLE'S BODIES AS AN IDENTIFIER. mAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE i'M BLIND, BUT WHEN i THINK ABOUT SAY MY BOYFRIEND, HIS LAUGH AND HIS VOICE AND HIS KIND WORDS AND HIS HUGS ARE THE THINGS THAT i REEMBER, NOT THAT HE'S FIT (WHICH YOU ARE, YOU GOOF) BUT SERIOUSLY. i NOTICED THE OTHER TDAY THAT A COUPLE OF MY FRIENDS FROM UNIVERSITY i HONESTLY DIDN'T REALISE THAT THEY WERE SO SKINNY UNTIL RECENTLY, BECAUSE IT WAS NEVER AN ISSUE, IT ENVER CAME UP THAT i WAS BIGGER OR THEY WERE SMALLER, BECAUSE IT WAS ALL ABOUT OUR CONVERSATIONS, OUR CONNECTIONS IN RESIDENCE, OUR HEARTFELT MEANINGFUL TEARFELT EVERYTHING EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIP, AND IT SORT OF MAKES ME REalise that I've been worrying about something that does not define who I am. Yea, I wish I was a size eight. I do, I do everyday. But I dont look terible.. I am strong, if you asked me to carry heavy things I could, if you asked me to run I could, so what if I can't wear a skin tight dress I like my flow-y bs ones anyway, why does it matter? Why does it matrter to anyone what anyone looks like? In fifty years, when we all have white hair and canes, and sit for twenty hours ofthe day, and watch coronation street and look through old newspapers, is anyone going to be still talking about what I wore to the Avengers? MNo, they'll be talking about the jokes I made, or the time I fell running for the bus to the bar, not what I was wearig, because to be honest I couldn't tell you what I was wearing that night, bhut I was feeling good (until I fell) in my carrie bradshqaw shoes, and I was with the people that mattered to me, and we went to franks which was awe4some so really I don't care. I can't see the keyboard or what I'm typing so this could all be jibberish,. but I just don't understand why we spend hundreds of dollars on yoga pants when there's little children dying of starvation, or war crimes being committed, or people freezing or dying of disease, or people's rights arent being given or people are being hurt, or are immigrating involuntarily or being arrested injustly, there is happiness for an individual, but there is also happiness within sharing happiness to others, and it's up to you and me and everyone to sort of make sure that sharing goes around. I don't suggest donating all of your money to charity, but I do suggest living simply and meaningfully. Live happilly, live like tomorrow you found out that you would die, which is soc liche but I don't really care, I don't care nymore I just don't. I want experiences, and people, and to live the best life so that I can help other people live the best life. I devote these fingers to writing what I need to say, these eyes to helping others see what they need to see, this heart to loving everyone who needs to be loved, and this body to enabling all of these whims and passions to unravel upon the earth. I do want nice things, but if I can't afford them or thnik about it at all, I don't need a four hundred dollar purse, I could spend that helping someone else get through somethign that they need help with, or doing something so much more enriching than any material thing could do. So I guess tgus was nire if a rabt, that's probably gibberish, I am not used to this keyboard. My fingers are short and pudgy so they can't reach as far on this board. slight bodies in short sleeves, whispering crum-filled nothings on a friday afternoon, afterschool, we'd eat these cookies, as your dad cut his grass and my dad mine, "favourite canadian sport" on a friday afternoon, your mom gardened, mine read a book, we sat in the field and ate these cookies, glasses of milk sat on the porches, beside her, the little one, crying herself to sleep, i was the cat person then, and you were the batman, except that one time that I was the batman, and you weren't, and I saved you from ET, and we laughed a lot then, we still laugh a lot, my hair is longer, and so is yours and there was that one year for a split second I was older than you, and taller, too, for a split second, and the milk got on my shirt, my favourite shirt, my favourite pink beauty and the beast shirt and you gave me my windbreaker then, and I think I blew a kiss, but that could always be inside my head, most of this just livves lives inside my head... it smelled like smoke then, your back porch was high like mine, our back porches were high, and the monkeys or beatles were playing from your kitchen and mine, and we wondered how such animals could play such music, and dancing and laughing we played underneath the high porches, dancing and laughin above our parents sang along, "can't buy me love" seems so long ago, because it rang true, to all of us now, love is bought, but not for us, I don't think we ever got marshmallows, but that could also live inside my mind, buried there, do you remember the long grass pr the night with the fireworks when you held my hand? hearts beating fast, a moon, another moon, two, trapped inside, locked doors and panting, and a racecar passed bym definitely somehting inside my mind, but no, the fair, the fal fair blasting around us, we saw chickens, and those horses, my favourite, the big hooves, and the beautiful babies. the popcorn, the games we never played, and that racetrack, you'd never pass me, I had to leave, and ask for my pocahontas vhs back, you broke your arm, we hugged, we planted those sunflowers and I came back, but I still left them. and you still hugged me, even though you were..well, crying. it's so funny though beacuse I do miss you everyday, I want to drink milk and cookies again, or play power rangers, I'll be pink you be... red, always red, always batman, always collecting those those kinder egg surprises, are they still in your room? I remember your first desk, your first computer, your first sleepover with me, your first crush, your first grade, date, kiss, except not with me, that would be.. minus that mistletoe incident, I didn't mean to step on your foot, you cried then too, I was the cat person then Good luck Ist, I miss you.