I am frustrated

Blogspot kills me, I am disappointed with the layout at the moment, and until I a) get a new computer, or b) figure out how to fix the layouts of this and tumblr, I think I'm going to start posting on one of my wordpress accounts. I haven't quite figured it all out, but here's the link for now: www.convenientrepertoire.wordpress.com

convenience

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5lZ9wciZQM Watch that video and continue to delve into my thoughts about happiness, storytelling, the importance of connections and the fact that everybody has a story that can ignite anything in anyone. I've always been the kind of person who's told stories, many many stories about people I know what happened to me or things I've seen or read, or made up. I tell stories, that's what I do to feel happy, I talk to myself in the shower, I dream everyday for most of the day about possibilities and travelling and lives, it's just the way I am. I am also a collector; I collect everything from rocks to playbills to ticket stubs to wristbands to old jewellry. I do not have the heart to stop, I just collect them. I used to collect things that I found, I still do I guess. There's this story I always tell about when I was little I had such an imagination that I used to have a string with beads on it that I used to wear as a necklace. In the car or at my parents' friends' houses I would take off that necklace and give each bead a voice, a character, and make a story out of it. It usually involved a court room or some sort of family situation, but everytime I finished playing I would shuffle the beads and start again. I tell that story because I believe that you don't need stimulation to be imaginative, you do not need a muse to continue to be meaningful and enjoy what you do, you just need the incentive, the motivation from within to actually do it. A woman told me today that she spent six weeks backpacking through Paris in steel toed boots with only one backpack and a lunchbox. She offered to lend me her backpack that she used for my abckpacking trip, and I thanked her for her kidnness. What stories does that bag hold do you think? It got me thinking, and I found the above video and just always feel so invigorated by travel stories, stories about people that are livening. It is amazing to me that everybody has something different in their heads. It is arbitrary to me that people do not think of that; why is it not unusual to anyone else that I am thinking something completely different from you right now? I am just so enthralled in everything to do with the psyche, the passion that people carry,dreams, goals. There is so much to think of in one moment, in one second, in one flash. I want to spend my life engulfed in other people's stories in order to maintain happiness within my own. WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO BE HAPPY, AND BE WITH PEOPLE WHO WANT TO BE HAPPY, AND LISTEN AND TELL, AND ENJOY, AND HOLD HANDS AND HAVE AN IMPACT ON PEOPLE. If I can make one person make a positive decision by the things I know, the way I articulate the things that I say, by listening or holding their hands just when they need it, then I know that I don't need any money, or materials, a fancy house or even to travel that far. I would love those things, but I do not need much but my will to listen and give, take and radiate on. I want nothing but to have an affectionate effect on people, leave a legacy of hope and love and smiling.

padington bear

There are only a couple of posters on my wallls right now because there really isn't a lot of room for anything else at the moment. The three that are up are: my john lennon painting -my signed picture of walter gretzky, and, the back ended picture of the dress that I want, in white, and to say some very special short vows in. I just set up my room for the evening, pulled down my sheets and piled up my five pillows, set the two vogues I need to read and the europe travel guide on the sill. Once it gets dark enough I'll open my window and turn on my lamp, and just stick to myself. I have achieved a comfortable place in my room, finally, after a month of being at home, I am finally comfortable in this space. I am back being uncomfortable, however, about my money situation. Fuck, I can't even go ten minutes without wondering what it would be like to not have to worry about this kind of stuff. It makes me a different person then if I didn't have to worry, but it is stressful. Money is so obsolete in my happiness, unless it brings me good food, travel, and memories. I guess it does sometimes, I wish that I could just not worry. Worrying nis something that is hard for me to get around, I worry about everything. I want to say right now in this post'O pledge to no longer worry about england and be excited,' but the truth is I won't be able to start even getting excited until I've paid for residence, and figured out the money..Started work, start packing and buying the things that are needed, start thinking about actually leaving. I don't have problems with saving money, I just like to go and spend time with people who like to go out and do things. I knew it'd be hard, but it just keeps getting harder. I have a good time, but there was this beautiful dress in the bay ytesterday that I absolutely loved, but couldn't buy..and there was this beautiful shade of red sephora lipstick, but no. Not today, world, not today jessie, not today. I've been thinking about writing after I finish this book. When I was at work two weeks ago I started writing this story in a notebook, and I'm thinking about starting to write it, and actually start feeling good about writing it, it is such an exciting idea. I am so happy with it, I don't want to write anything for YA, no erotica, no mysteries, just some straightforward novelistic prose for me, finally a story. I wrote a poem the other day too, I can't do any more poetry at the moment, but I will keep on trying. I hate balance, I hate attempting to balance, I hate hate hate it that I have to hate balance. I can't be rich and beautiful and environmentally friendly and donate to charities and watch every tv show and be in with modern literature and go out dirnking and be happy with my life. I can't deal with balance, but there are days where the balancing turns off completely, and I'd like to just sit in bed and read someone else's life for a while. I'm also so excited for the Olympics to start. TEAM CANADA clothes shopping day should come up soon, I decided I want a sweater or tshirt for london, I want to just get the money to buy all these things, and then just go. just go. don't be discouraged, this is going to be amazing. It's already amazing, less than three months.

lobsters

I've been up at the trailer for the past couple days, I haven't showered and I haven't been around many people but my family. I am excited to go home however, as much as I was very excited to come up here I've had a lot of sunburns and ice cream, bbq and fancy drinks in the dark. I have been having a great time, but I am ready to get back to my room and do a work out and write the speech that I'm giving on friday.... Shit, I need to write... Everyone cross their fingers and toes for me, just god damn do it right now. GOALS FOR RIGHT NEOW: RELAX. BE HAPPY. stop worrying about money relax, did i say relax? read up onf rankfurt WRITE workout everyday drink more water I think I've got it, I mean...I'm not perfect. I get upset easilly, and I'm tired of being very uprtight and stressed out a lot. I'm ready to grow up anytime now, I;m trying to come to terms with myself... I think I need to make a change. I've been saying that for a while, maybe I should actually make the change. I'm debating about throwing out all of my memories... I may... I'm on a health kick I guess, not doing so so well, maybe I should just stop eating sugar altogether..I've been thinking about doing a cleanse too, but I sort of like the way I look. I know I say that, and I do believe it, but I would just like to actually feel confident about myself for once. I try.I haven't stopped trying. Is there two p's in stopped? It is so hot in this place right now, and I am burnt to a crisp and tired, and could just go for like...a long cold ish shower after a workout and then watching new girl until I fall asleep. That is seriously what I'm thinking of doing tomorrow afternoon, along with something small and important that I can't put here. Anyways, I'm going to be okay. I am okay. I am going to make a change, and be positive and confident. And I am going to stop worrying about money at this moment right now. I will work when I can, and volunteer while I can't, and dream about wing nights and beer in the UK until I get there, and smile everyday.

first in a bit

I wish money was less important in this stupid society, that I could do everything I wanted to instead of sitting at home going crazy. I want to go get lattes and be with friends and enjoy wing nights and travel, not sit at home and wish i was there. O need work, I need money, and it's sort of bothering me. We're going to the bank next week so hopefully that will go well. I need to clean my room, after I'm finished this movie I'm going to shower and then do a major clean up! I actually like my room with things all over but it looks kind of silly, so I thought I'd clean it up and leave the weekend with a shining room! Or atleast a clean floor! I downloaded over six hundred songs in the past day, and I missed music a lot. I forgot to put the new top forty songs on, I think I'll do that later tonight when my sister has the rest of them ready. I need something here to settle my head. I will have enough money for the fall, I will be able to do anything I want to, I will be able to spend a little money on myself despite the fact that this entire trip is for me. I want to basically just enjoy my summer, not spend it fucking worrying if I can spare two fifty for a tea. I hate this. I fucking hate this. This weekend will be a good distraction. I am going to write when I'm there, up at the beach, we're bringing my computer so I'm excited about that. I'd like to drink some palm bays and take a break from the suburbs and the friggen rudeness of everybody here. I'm getting kind of sick of everybody's style here, I want to just go and sit in a shop or pub and talk, not having to dance or sit beside a loud speaker and yell. I don't want to have bows and whistles, I want to just be simple. Simplicity. I wish that more in my life and in my head would be cohesive with simplicity. My head tricks my head into thinking that I like simple things, but I like a little complexity once in a while. Man, I don't get anything anymore. I want to eat a huge roast beef dinner right now, I wish I could eat anything I wanted and not get fat...get more fat. hulk smash

don't stop me now

I am going to say something, and I am not taking it back, and I don't want to talk about it. I have broken my writer's block. I am twenty yearsold, and my secret to defeating writer's block is make believe. It's worse than dreaming because it is out loud, but it is delusional when you've been in an enclosed room for a week staring at nothing, it's delusional, and inevitable. And revoluationary. I'm seven pages into a new story, and I love it already, and I know I'll keep writing it when I fall in love with something about it. That makes it a count of three full stories in the past year that I've actually liked writing, and about twenty poems. I think that's good enough for me, and an accomplishment I can just never lose my imagination, which also means I need to let it roam free sometimes, which I've done in the past few days, and look at me now.

I don't reread these

I realised last night that I never reread my blogs, like I've never actually seen the webpage that these go on, because I never really check them. I did yesterday, and everything that i've written from work doesn't have paragraph breaks, which sort of bothers me a whole lot. I am going to try to fix this, maybe it is only my computer, so this post may look realy wonky. I am wearing my flowery dress tomorrow and no one can stop me! I AM ME AND I AM OKAY WITH THAT. I used to have a friend who had that on a poster, and I've been saying it a lot lately. I don't think it's necessary to worry anymore, like actually. Today is Thursday, which means tomorrow is friday and ultimately the beginning of the weekend. Next week is next week, and on next Tuesday I may find out about the job, which would really be helpful for my sanity right now, since it's hanging there by a thread. I'm doing better since yeserday morning though, in good spirits. Thoughts don't work properly inside my head sometimes, I forget things in an instant. I can't reread what I just said and I have no recollection, I'm just eating an apple, and now the thought is gone. I'm debating on starting somethign completely new. I've been thinking about it for a little while now, and it is a writing project that would be interesting to work on. Despite my work with a certain birthday ppresent, that will be the project I am working on, and possibly getting audible.com to play me the mortal instruments book finally, since I still think the two star-crossed-lovers are siblings...Maybe I should read the next book to figure all that out. And there's a new gossip girl on! I also should write that review on that poetm that I said I would, maybe I'll do that this weekend too....Or I'll lay around and watch skins, that's very very likely. Habe you ever heard meat loaf sing 'when i touch you like this?' etc? It's like the most passionate song a man with a mullet could pull off, I imagine him sitting on his knees in a hardwood floored room crying, holding just a dress, thinking of his lost love....with his mullet. Moment ruined yet again by hair. There are lots of other moments that could be ruined by hair.....but um, this is turning too comical or gross for my liking, I'd like to finish this apple. Long post today due to the lack of me having anything to do, day one of three hopefully only three. NOTE TO SELF:UT MONEY IN YOUR SAVINGS ACCOUNT..... so I won't spend it, obviously. that would be nice, wouldn't it? If I didn't spend money...HAHAHAHAHAHAA. Seriously, I may stop drinking just to afford residence next semester, which doesn't say much of late since I haven't had a drink in a while and if I have it has not been any alcohol that I have purchased. I have like ten dollars saved up for my friend's birthday this sunday, and pooosibly five more for my other friend's birthday tuesday, otherwise....I want to go to wonderland, so that's fifty dollars, and the rest I kind of have to just not do anything. I don't mind, I like free rides to the beach sometimes and working, it actually is a nice life. I like donig things on my computer or reading, or watching tv shows with my boyfriend as opposed to going bowling or something. We can entertain ourselve,s, ie going for a drive in the pouring rain in the middle of the night in a standard over a bridge under construction, despite the entire horrifying nature of that scene for me.....He keeps me safe, I guess Today is vision health month, so don't forget to wear sunglasses, be considerate of people who need to take a little more time, get your eyes checked reguarly and wear your glasses if you need them! Your sight is important, you never know what can happen, to anything for that matter. Take care, and give your grandparents a hug next time you see them, they're probably seeing the world differently than when they were your age! hugs, xx

May Ninth, 2012-TravelDiary

Making my way downtown, walking fast, faces pass and I'm homebound May Ninth, two thousand twelve, TravelDiary PreDeparture One I have been stressing a lot about money lately, trying to budget to make sure that I can still go on this trip at all. I keep findin things that are expenses and am getting pressured to stress about it from my family. I just sat down, and with a realistic budget for food especially, I think that it is best for me to get a loan in order to help me out with this adventure. This actual adventure. In less stressful, more exciting news I found a link that gives the top one hundred things to do in London in two thousand twelve, and I literally want to do them all. Having afternoon tea, Royal gardens, the Ghost bus tour, Late night museums, it just all sounds so fantastic. We are going to be there for four months, so it makes sense that I start a bucketlist now and go with the flow, I like to pan but I like spontanuity too....sometime I am making plans with my aunt for a trip to London, Ontario in early June to look for a travelling backpack, hopefully the second weekend and I will be able to start wearing it and my running shoes around! Getting used to everything, and getting all of my complaining out now so that I won't bother AJ the two weks before September! This afternoon I am looking at wellies and a raincoat as well, may have a new raincoat come dinnertime! It all depends on how much it is, I am checking on it today I guess. It was on sale last time too, I hope it goes well! I am also looking at portable CCTV's, which will allow me to read and take pictures of things that are of the textual mediums. I willbe able to read brochures, playbills, magazines, my international vogues, and everything and anything else that could come into my lap. I am hoping to have it by August, so that I can learn how to use it, and bring it with me. Thanks is given to the UoG CSD for allowing me to have the opportunity to use my eyes once again! I leave this off with a sort of half-assed compassionate note. I am excited for the trip, but at the same time I'm terrified that somethign will go wrong with my sister's eyes while I'm gone and I won't be here to help her. I'm debating getting her set up wth the CNIB before I leave just in case, because I will be gone for four months, and we are both so unstable... Anyways, I just wanted to clarify that although I'm gone on this adventure, I'm still me, I'm still goig to want to be here too, I just need to do this in order to continue on becoming myself. It is time now for me to do something outstanding individually...With a little help, of course, but for the most part figuring through this on my own. Take Charge, take care, until next time, Jessica D. Watkin <3

roses

My dad brought me my tea today at work in this dark mug with Beast holding a red rose on it, and he told me to look at the mug, and I remember when I first saw it. I was four, and my parents had taken just me not my sister to Toronto to see The Beauty and the Beast at the Princess of Whales theatre. I hadn't really gone to Toronto, so this was a huge thing for me. We got this mug, and literally I can't remember a time without it, it has really beena s ymbol of comfort for me. I really would like to get back into reading, bt I can't see myself doing it until tomorrow. There's a couple books that I have lined up rom last summer that I never got to that I'dlike to get to now, but I need to organise my computer and in order to do that I need to get motivated to do taht, so...That should happen sometime soon. I need motivation. I need to start thinking about just today, not worrying about next week. That's something that plagues me, andbothers me... When I was ilttle my Aunt was in university and she had these slippers, they were slip ons and huge and squishy, and I've always wanted one pair, just to have, I don't really wear slippers often though, so I guess I wouldnt use them until I had a house of my own.. Maybe I should bring my computer to work to work on it, I could read hunger games and organise it, I'll think about that for tomorrow, since I will be done phone calls by then and actually be out of thigns to do... Super dee duper. I wish the other job would pull through. Last night, North Carolina voted against gay marriage in their state, and it infuriated twitter, until I got on this morning to see a Canadian being a bitch about other Canadians being angry at North Carolina because Canada didn't have equal rights until less than ten years ago. Which I find stupid to be penialising people for, since I wasn't able to vote until two years ago, and this generation is the generation of equality change for all, or atleastto better it, and anyone is allowed to express their opinions or views on twitter, so if I'm upset that descrimination is happening because of religion I shouldn't be penialised just because the country I live in and the adults that run it decided to make things equal less than ten years ago. Similarily, I'm sure there are a great number of people who voted for equal rights for marriage in North Carolina, there fore it wasn't the entire state that is at fault, it's just the majority. Maybe more people should vote, so things like equal rights become common, and we can start focusing on other big issues as well, that can make just asmmuch of a change. I really want to download 9.11 press for truth, but none of the links will work, I don't know why I'm obnsessed with this. What else can I rant about? I don't think there is much today, other than the fact that I hate our government, and wish that things went faster and people were accepted and less bullshitting happened anywhere, but none of that can come true unfortunately, so I'm going to try to change the little piece of the world that surrounds me, and hope for the better. Also, I need a new poem, an actual, good, poem........please? two eyes peaking rom under a constructed curtain chopped halfway up, machete clean sweep, fingers crawling underneath, feeling the smooth cuts and chops, or pounds aganst the fabric, broken so quickly, wide eyes, lives disappear as quickly as they were brought, 101 deaths for every 193 lves, statistics ring in, across the floor two bodies lay, or three, eyes wide, sweeping through the scene, but no blood, just sleeping, two gauzy eyes sleepily wander, wonder sleepishly sheepishly if this was the right day to come outside, or if the machete was glued to the wall for a reason, i broke it down, He broke it down too, and they were still sleeping, nope, I really need something to come to me, fuck, I'm so tire d of stupid poems and stories, and being uncomfortable and unmotivated and getting bad sleeps, maybe next week will be better, something needs to change, maybe I will actually make the change this time, throw out the boxes of theatre transcripts and booklets, old papers and timelines, planners and notes, collages and life lessons, my toys, I can't throw those out, but anything I used to make to play with should just go.... I do't think I could do it, actually. I don't want to stop writing because then I'll have to figure somethig else to do... Maybe I'll start a new blog? No, I'll just keep writing. I actually am starting a new blog though, for my trip I think, I may start writing in it once I start actually buying and planning thigns, which I guess has started, I may just make that this blog, it already has the name for adventure. ouu what ifI wrote two posts today, one for an entry in my travel diary and one just like this, actually this one? I love this blog, because it's like a diary but nobody really reads it, so it's even more like a diary. perfect, it's almost like I'm back to whispering happy into someoe's, no one's, ear.

it's toxic

My goal for tonight is to organise my computer desktop and to start downloading songs for my ipod, as I am assuming I will be able to upbload it in the near future, which excites me greatly. Finally I can enjoy music again just in my own ears, and I really want the new GI Joe Trailer Seven Nation Army remix, Call me what you want to call me I love classic rock, that's my feild of expertise and has been for a long time, but give me something with base "that I can feel in my bowels" as of last sunday at phils and I will fall madly in love. I like all music loud, all music good, and all music to be individualised to what I like. I'm not one of those people who likes just the music and forgets about the artists, but at the same time it's all a unique experience for everybody, so I just want my unique experience to be for me only, I don't really care what everyone elwse thinks. I hate moves like jagger, a lot. I think I need to read more online articles that aren't the new york times, is stumblupon a thing? or pinterest? I may l;ook into those tomorrow at work and see if I'd like them, because I've been finding all kinds of articles that I find interesting lately, and I've never been one to really sit down and enjoy things like that... So maybe that will go well, and maybe I'll get bored and play pottermore las usual. I am hungry, I want a bagel. I also have a craving for popcorn today, so that will become a thing most likely. I want to write things but nothing's coming lately. I may go on another writing rampage like last summer, but everything needs to be decluttered before then, and my money situation really needs to calm itself down. I think my head just needs to get some sleep for a bit, but that's sort of hard inside my head, so I may just skip that and go straight on to relaxation mode for may two four weekend, beach days and palm bays baby, buenos dias! Maybe I;'ll make a big change today, throw something out that should be thrown out or something, make a big decision, or just sort of jump for joy or laugh a lot, I need something to change, maybe I should buy some Coca Cola, like the old days, and drink it while reading a good book. I need to get myself away fromm the tv and out on the back deck, I wish I could go swimmig. Hakuna Matata baby, I need to stop the stressing and realise that it's summer, it is summer time now. It is time for me to just take off the STRESSEDJESSIE hat and put on the VACATIONPLANNINGJESSIE hat, because that's all I want to do all day, and I wish more people felt the way I did. don't stress about money, or friendship, love, anxiety, faily, living situations, think about the good things in life and what good things do for your wrinklesL decrease them, due to all the smiling. Operation no wrinkles: smile everyday, all day. I want to be with the kids now though, badly, I want to be able to hold their little hands and tell them they're beautiful, and laugh with them and teach them new things. The list of thigns to do with them continues to grow, and I cannot stop getting so excited to see them all again. I think there needs to be a youth group for me to be able to see them, to get my daily/weekly dose of humbleness. I take too much for granted as muych as I hate admitting it, I should give away all of my posessions. Meditative breaths, yogi breaths, in and ot, de-clutter my head please, I want to go home and change into a dress, might do that, I am young and free and happy, and am a being within myself, and love the people around me, everything isn't toxic, but beautiful. I can see that.

writing in the dark

it could be unusual, but I'm at work so really it doesn't surpirise me, At first I thought that the power had gone out, and I was sort of excited, but then I realised no one had turned on the lights, which is so much less exciting. I used to always wish that there would be a fire alarm or an intruder alert or something really cool for real happen at my highschool so that I could experience it. I never experienced any bomb threats, or any alerts that were of merit. I think we stood outside for an hour in the snow because of a false fire drill, but other than that nothing lasted over half an hour. I crave excitement, which is why I just sit around writing blogs at work, obviously. Toda's the kind of day that I just wanna go home and have a couple beers on the back deck, but I assume it's going to rain before that can become a possibility, so I'll end up doing yoga and watching Horrible Bosses or something instead. I lead an exciting life. I dread working out, I really do. I think it's so stupid, like actually the stupidest thing to have to do ever. That's probably why I like yoga so much, because it feels like I'm actually doing something good for myself, not just making me exhausted and sweaty and hate the gym...+ Something's been wrong lately. I don't feel like donig anything again, and I'm not sure what this feeling is coming from. I guess it could be due to this job, being not what I wanted, or stress from working out, I haven't been sleeping so that doesn't help. I just hate everything right now, I am positive it will get better, but as for now I continue searching for the culprit and to exterminate it as soon as possible. I feel like I'm being plagued by something, like something is missing again. I can't believe I'm back here, I worked so hard to get out this past semester and now it's just totally back to being bullshit. Back to being headaches and unmotivated. I feel like it has something to do with the lack of control I have right now over anything. I don't work on my own independent from my parents, I don't eat independently, it's actually driving me insane. I can't stand it, it's a constatnt surveilance that just bugs me. I NEED SOMETHING TO SPARKLE, SOMETIME, PLEASE, LIKE ANYTHING WOULD BE GREAT. I need a lemonade and a vogue and some actual good music on my headphones for once, I miss my ipodl, I miss loud music, I miss wearing a big tshirt and panties and just relaxing. I miss sitting outside in the rain. I want to sit outside in the rain right now, right NOW. I need to get out, out of my head, I need to just get out of my head for a bit. I want to be in someone else's, I need a movie I haven't seen before so I can get out of my head.

re0do

I had a post all written up about humanity and the end of the world and bullshit that I wrote yesterday, but I don't know, I on'tthink I'm gonig to post it, not today anyway. I feel introspective today, is that a word? I want to be like Shakespeare and use my words to my own advantage, why can't words be more individual? UNIVERSALITY... eXCEPT NATIONSTATES TAKE THE CAKE FOR SEGREGATING EVERYONE SO THAT SOME PEOPLE GO HUNGRY AND OTHERS DINE ON GOLDEN CHAIRS, AND YET i SIT HERE SORT OF HUMBLED BY THE THOUGHT THAT THERE ARE BIGGER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT. hONESTLY, i HAVE BEEN BOTHERED A LOT LATELY. i NEED TO SORT THINGS OUT, SO HERE IT GOES. i'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT EATING DISORDERS LATELY, AND THE FACT THAT i HAVE THE ABILITY TO JUST STOP EATING, OR TO EAT AND THEN MAKE IT NOT BE THERE ANYMORE, AND EAT WHATEVER i WANT i HAVE THAT ABILITY i CAN JUST EAT CAKE EVERYDAY, GIVEN IT WOULD BE TERRIBLE NUTRITION AND EXPENSIVE, BUT i COULD. i DON'T WANT CAKE EVERYDAY THOUGH, BUT i DON'T WANT TO EAT RAW CELLERY ALL THE TIME EITHER. i HAVE NEVER THOUGHT SO MUCH ABOUT MY BODY THAN IN THE PAST THREE WEEKS, AS i SIT HERE IN A DRESS THAT IS UNFLATTERING BUT i WORE IT TODAY BECAUSE MY MOTHER BOUGHT IT FOR ME. iRONIC, THAT IS, THE UNFLATTERING DRESS THAT DOESN'T REALLY SIT WELL ON MY BODY IS SOMETHING THAT MY MOTHER GAVE ME. i WANT TO JUST SORT OF CURL UP SOMEWHERE AND FORGET THAT i HAVE A BODY AT ALL. aND THEN i THINK ABOUT THE THINGS THAT i LOVE, THE PEOPLE THAT i LOVE, AND IT'S FUNNY, BWECAUSE i DON'T THINK ABOUT PEOPLE'S BODIES AS AN IDENTIFIER. mAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE i'M BLIND, BUT WHEN i THINK ABOUT SAY MY BOYFRIEND, HIS LAUGH AND HIS VOICE AND HIS KIND WORDS AND HIS HUGS ARE THE THINGS THAT i REEMBER, NOT THAT HE'S FIT (WHICH YOU ARE, YOU GOOF) BUT SERIOUSLY. i NOTICED THE OTHER TDAY THAT A COUPLE OF MY FRIENDS FROM UNIVERSITY i HONESTLY DIDN'T REALISE THAT THEY WERE SO SKINNY UNTIL RECENTLY, BECAUSE IT WAS NEVER AN ISSUE, IT ENVER CAME UP THAT i WAS BIGGER OR THEY WERE SMALLER, BECAUSE IT WAS ALL ABOUT OUR CONVERSATIONS, OUR CONNECTIONS IN RESIDENCE, OUR HEARTFELT MEANINGFUL TEARFELT EVERYTHING EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIP, AND IT SORT OF MAKES ME REalise that I've been worrying about something that does not define who I am. Yea, I wish I was a size eight. I do, I do everyday. But I dont look terible.. I am strong, if you asked me to carry heavy things I could, if you asked me to run I could, so what if I can't wear a skin tight dress I like my flow-y bs ones anyway, why does it matter? Why does it matrter to anyone what anyone looks like? In fifty years, when we all have white hair and canes, and sit for twenty hours ofthe day, and watch coronation street and look through old newspapers, is anyone going to be still talking about what I wore to the Avengers? MNo, they'll be talking about the jokes I made, or the time I fell running for the bus to the bar, not what I was wearig, because to be honest I couldn't tell you what I was wearing that night, bhut I was feeling good (until I fell) in my carrie bradshqaw shoes, and I was with the people that mattered to me, and we went to franks which was awe4some so really I don't care. I can't see the keyboard or what I'm typing so this could all be jibberish,. but I just don't understand why we spend hundreds of dollars on yoga pants when there's little children dying of starvation, or war crimes being committed, or people freezing or dying of disease, or people's rights arent being given or people are being hurt, or are immigrating involuntarily or being arrested injustly, there is happiness for an individual, but there is also happiness within sharing happiness to others, and it's up to you and me and everyone to sort of make sure that sharing goes around. I don't suggest donating all of your money to charity, but I do suggest living simply and meaningfully. Live happilly, live like tomorrow you found out that you would die, which is soc liche but I don't really care, I don't care nymore I just don't. I want experiences, and people, and to live the best life so that I can help other people live the best life. I devote these fingers to writing what I need to say, these eyes to helping others see what they need to see, this heart to loving everyone who needs to be loved, and this body to enabling all of these whims and passions to unravel upon the earth. I do want nice things, but if I can't afford them or thnik about it at all, I don't need a four hundred dollar purse, I could spend that helping someone else get through somethign that they need help with, or doing something so much more enriching than any material thing could do. So I guess tgus was nire if a rabt, that's probably gibberish, I am not used to this keyboard. My fingers are short and pudgy so they can't reach as far on this board. slight bodies in short sleeves, whispering crum-filled nothings on a friday afternoon, afterschool, we'd eat these cookies, as your dad cut his grass and my dad mine, "favourite canadian sport" on a friday afternoon, your mom gardened, mine read a book, we sat in the field and ate these cookies, glasses of milk sat on the porches, beside her, the little one, crying herself to sleep, i was the cat person then, and you were the batman, except that one time that I was the batman, and you weren't, and I saved you from ET, and we laughed a lot then, we still laugh a lot, my hair is longer, and so is yours and there was that one year for a split second I was older than you, and taller, too, for a split second, and the milk got on my shirt, my favourite shirt, my favourite pink beauty and the beast shirt and you gave me my windbreaker then, and I think I blew a kiss, but that could always be inside my head, most of this just livves lives inside my head... it smelled like smoke then, your back porch was high like mine, our back porches were high, and the monkeys or beatles were playing from your kitchen and mine, and we wondered how such animals could play such music, and dancing and laughing we played underneath the high porches, dancing and laughin above our parents sang along, "can't buy me love" seems so long ago, because it rang true, to all of us now, love is bought, but not for us, I don't think we ever got marshmallows, but that could also live inside my mind, buried there, do you remember the long grass pr the night with the fireworks when you held my hand? hearts beating fast, a moon, another moon, two, trapped inside, locked doors and panting, and a racecar passed bym definitely somehting inside my mind, but no, the fair, the fal fair blasting around us, we saw chickens, and those horses, my favourite, the big hooves, and the beautiful babies. the popcorn, the games we never played, and that racetrack, you'd never pass me, I had to leave, and ask for my pocahontas vhs back, you broke your arm, we hugged, we planted those sunflowers and I came back, but I still left them. and you still hugged me, even though you were..well, crying. it's so funny though beacuse I do miss you everyday, I want to drink milk and cookies again, or play power rangers, I'll be pink you be... red, always red, always batman, always collecting those those kinder egg surprises, are they still in your room? I remember your first desk, your first computer, your first sleepover with me, your first crush, your first grade, date, kiss, except not with me, that would be.. minus that mistletoe incident, I didn't mean to step on your foot, you cried then too, I was the cat person then Good luck Ist, I miss you.

i get by

It's the people that knew me intimately before my last eye surgery that I feel like understand me best. It's silly to think that way, but the difference is incredibly obvious when we say go out to eat somewhere, I feel a whole lot more confident being with someone who knows how much I can and can't see, and takes the reigns on reading a menu, helping me down stairs, etc. It seems that a lot of people who have met me in the past two years forget about me not being able to see, as it has not been a big issue for them to have to help. At university I have handled myself in such a way that I needed limited help nee a couple of things. It just is obvious to me, that's all. I guess I've been thinking about my surgery a lot, because a couple people who were important to me then are not anymore, and it sort of hurts a lot, I still care about them, and I'm sure they care about me, but it's different now. I can't bring cantelope and watch shrek, they won't make me eggs for dinner, it's just sort of changed, and it's hard to accept that, I guess. I have been sort of thinking that maybe we could be friends again, but that's a really sharp maybe to have to think about. They've needed me this week, and I've been there. Not as much as I would like, but, well, I can't. Anyways, what else, I've been tired and working myself too hard lately, but I'm frustrated with myself so I'm working towards a better, healthier me. I guess i just need to be inside my own head, sit there and enjoy myself for me not enjoy myself for anyone else... that won't make sense to anyone but me, but I am okay with that. I wish I had a dog, because I feel like it would do me good. then I'd have an excuse to go outside for walks as opposed to looking like a retiree. I just want to start work tomorrow, It's supposed to be warm this week, I plan on dresses and skirts. I want either a mint green skirt, white dress, or red skirt. NOW. fIND ME CHEAP CLOTHING.

HIT ME (beyonce vs chris brown)

nightengaled heartbeating through the dark evening with a certain rhythm, a shivvering tragedy, whatever you heard before whatever you needed they handed you spoonfuls, plugged-nose forcefulness, fifty-fifty that cookie dough for me, cut them similarly for me, I can't write, I have seven complete poems as of right now, and I want to have fifteen by the end of April, and the chance of that happening right now...I need stimuli. I need tumblr. I created a new blog today, I think I'm going to wait a bit to get some photo's up before I post it or anything, or even tell anyone about it. I need some more poetry, now. INSPIRE ME. Accio muse! Maybe I'll freeze myself in my sleep tonight, I've always been a method-writer. why do hearts beat in double-times, or triples? fluttering in a thumping chest, a pound amongst the sticks and stones of a body, trying to avoid a piercing blow to those balloon-like lungs that flummox and grasp air in my chest, I really can't write, maybe it's because I'm reading hunger games as I write. I need seven poems. Accio poems. no poems appeared. Britches be crazy. Ah well, I tried. I'm debating just watching skins now, because I want to finish the season... I love that show. Holla season four! Coming up shortly, after I finish this post, probably. i still haven't seen the new game of thrones, tomorrow! I love poetry. damnit. All over the place today apparently, what can I say?

finally back

I found an internet browser that flips inverse and supports blogspot and probably tumblr, operation re-do computer begins today apparently. I'm going to tell my dad to send away my precious ipod, and begin the itunes revamp, clean up my computer, and start over. If I'm not going to be getting a new one, might as well just make this one as appropriate as possible. Suitable, I guess. I started reading the Hunger Games while getting dressed today, and now I can't stop. I have this tendancy to start things and then get addicted. So far this summer: Skins, zombie movies, writing about poetry, re-doing this computer, paninis, moulin rouge, reading anything actually, hunger games, etc. Welcome to my bedroom circa a week ago. I bought these new tshirts yesterday and they are beautifully soft, I'm wearing a teal one today, I'm going to keep them for summer camp. I'm sitting around waiting everyday for an email that says that I have a job starting next week. I really wish it would come..If it doesn't, I don't know what I'm going to do. Work is so hard for me, so hard to get and to do, I really find this part of my disability unfair. I am capable, but people wouldn't hire me, I might as well try though... I don't know what else to write, but since I know this browser works I can finally write more often, thank god. take care

I woke up today to internet explorer no longer supporting blogspot again, and I am just progressively getting more unlucky as the days go by. I just can't stand using google chrome because it doesn't flip inverse so I literally can't see anything I'm typing right now, and I can't make it work otherwise, and I am just so frustrated. It makes me not want to do this anymore. Tumblr doesn't work on my computer, neither does blogspot. Nothing works anymore. I was going to write some stupid internal thing, but I've lost the motivation to do so. fuck it.

good feelings gone

It's hilarious, ain't it? I feel like Carrie Bradshaw, what on my massive white-sheeted bed, hair in a bandana in a too-big shirt and panties, with my computer under my feet, the window's open letting in the breeze, vogue beside me, waiting for the boy to call, writing about nonsense and why my heart still isn't fully closed. Why isn't it fully closed tonight? I think it's more of my head right now, and the fact that everything around me seems to be scotch-taped together for the time being.

No job, no money, no cares right? Fuck that, seriously, I need something so that I don't sit around listening to everybody else's day this summer. I need something to do, other than read or watch skins. I want to just get into something, I wanted this job so that I could be passionate about it, and now it's slipped through my fingers, basically. I should just forget it. All I am is bad luck anyway. And that's not just negative thinking, I think positive enough alright, but I am just bad luck. that's just me.

I also don't get why I can't just accept myself for me. I think I'm beautiful. I'm going to wear a dress tomorrow, and enjoy it and go uptown and feel pretty, but at the same time I have all of these external links telling me that I am or not, and I know inside my own head I am but then the sugar=plum fucking fairy will just crash all those thoughts down, or something. It's tooth decay for my self-confidence, and it's fast forwarding through all of my fears and blowing them up. I am healthy, why does it bother me so much?

I guess it's just one of those days. Those days that start off great, but by the end of it you just want to rip up the vogue in everyone's face and throw it out the goddamn window. I want to make this room isolated, so that in here I feel differently about everything. I also can't find my remote or my cheque book, life's going great today.

Just fuck.

I don't even feel like writing, and I haven't much lately. I tried yesterday, and it was shit. I'm not forcing it obviously, but I just wish I could write more. I want some water but I don't want to get up and get it...first world problems.

jI can't even turn on my ipod headphones really loud and feel better because my ipod is MIA due to it's breaking. Blech.

PROCRASTI-JUMPING

Hi. I've been studying all day, and I'm sort of on a break, watching friends, and I don't feel like studying again. I wish I could make popcorn, or sleep. I'm debating going to sleep at like ten tonight. I am still so tired, and I just need it to be this time tomorrow. I want to just start packing for real and dance around and be done with this exam! The only snacks I have tonight is trail mix. It is delicious, maybe I shouldn't complain...or I could just take another break and walk to mac's, or save the five dollars and have subway tomorrow. Man, I could get ham, and cheese, and maybe chips! You're welcome, I knew you'd want to hear all about my eating.

I have to go get my laundry, fuck that.

I think I'll just leave it..no, I'll get it later but I'll get it and keep it in the laundry basket because I don't feel like it.

Summer tv show list:

the new girl
the walking dead
dr. who
finish breaking bad
game of thrones OBVIOUSLY, community, the office, possibly big brother?


I have so many plans for the summer I just want to relax and not worry about anything but worries don't just disappear when summer comes... Man, I think I'm gonna make Christmas cookies tomorrow before the exam so I can just like, giggle and stuff. I want the princess cook book, with pink iced-cup cakes.

I joined pottermore today, I want to be sorted now. I am so excited about this, I am SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS. It's harry potter Jessie aaaaall over again. No one who reads this is allowed to ask anyone from eighth grade and before that about my Harry Potter obsession, because they will tell you a lot of embarassing things about ,e... That I refuse to reveal.

So, I've been reading my travel book for Europe, and I just thought the phone was ringing like a landline, I'm ready to go home, moving on I think that I have read all kinds of things on food situations in Paris, and lunch for five pounds, and where to go, or where I want to see, which basically is anywhere because really. I want to go to Dior like Carrie and look at all of the things I can't afford, and just be fabulous. I want to start a new blog for my trip though, I'm thinking about starting it for the planning process, but for the most part it will be after travelling that I will post... I'm not sure if it'll happen. We'll see.

I want a fleet of pink cupcakes as soon as possible. and sexy wrestling. Well, both together would be preferable.

So anyways, I want to go buy new underwear but I have no money. OMG IM GOING TO ASK MY MOM. See, it is like I'm thirteen, I need to ask my mom for money for bras. What is wrong with this situation? My lack of money is stressing me out like crazy, and making me just want to sleep all the time again. I need to just get over this. It will come it will come it will come.

back to studying, vunderfull

fresh air

I wrote a poem the other day and never posted it, it was bullshit. Basically stereotypical modernist bull, and I couldn't really deal with it, so I may post it eventually, but for now it sits in my drafts and mocks me everytime I open blogspot. So do all of the notebooks sitting around my room half full, half empty, half laughing at me for not picking up a pen in about two months. I'm blind, I'm taking a full courseload, and I have some aspects of a social life. I also discovered game of thrones, so, well, priorities notebooks, priorities.

I love that I worry about my notebooks judging me, jesus,

I am thrilled to be going home now. I want to get back to my room and make it mine again, I have two weeks (hopefully) before I start work fulltime for me to find a second job (I'm hoping online, do you think Research Assistants will take me?) and to get back into the groove of staying up till three am in a silent house. Three am is a lonely time in a two-story suburb when everyone has school or work the next day... It's lonely the other days too, actually.

I did yoga today, and I think I need to just write it everywhere that it feels good to do. alone, in thoughts or not in thoughts, usually naked but sometimes I'll open the windows and freeze to death if taht happens so I wear a tshirt or something. I'm tired of scheduled readings, and coffee dates, I miss spontanuity. I miss calling my best friends and going to the vegan bar and drinking cider and eating delicious croutons then heading to marble slab half-drunk and bus home to the beds we didn't make that morning. Why is my life not a daytime radio sitcom? Because I don't have the time to write it.

I love stars. The band, and the actual physical things in the sky. Well, I suppose they're physical, as physical as something no one will ever touch/live to touch/and only see can be. I want to just curl up and eat ice cream and watch game of thrones all night, not study. Studying's for chumps! I wish any of the studying I ever did paid off ever, I wish I was good at testing. I wish the things I knew most about and was best at could be tested... Well, they can be tested, just not in this program, in this institution, by any of these people.

Seriously debating Sudbury for finishing programs after I'm done my undergrad, that or London. I wanted to do Quebec but it's just not turning out that way. I had this wonderful picture of me in a fabulous french city drinking white wine on a dusky spring evening, reading a newspaper or something. But that's so silly, I don't have eyes for that.

So anyways, I suppose I should finish my show and get back to studying. I edited my last paper this afternoon and going to edit it once more sunday on a study break before it is to be handed in on monday, and then my final exam is monday afternoon, and then I am spending the evening packing and probably finishing my whiskey alone, and dancing. There is always dancing. And friends the tv show, I torture myself when there is ever endings and always watch the last season the last night of my living anywhere. what is wrong with me?

So much.

i had to say goodbye to becca today, and it hurt my everything to think about it for weeks and now it is over, and it isn't a loss or a goodbye or anything, it's just the same as it always has been, since the beginning of first year from my family from my boyfriend, to residence to my friends, to the end of summer to a boyfriend again and back to leading into summer from good friends:

I'll be seeing you, in all the old familiar places.

Sing it, Billie, I need you.

bringing down the house

So, I am done four out of the five classes I had this semester, and I am feeling relatively good about the last one but to be honest fifty percent of my mark relies on the three part final next monday and I am terrified, but I will get by! Then it will be summer, and I will finally have time for me.

I realised that I can read for fun for the next eight months so I can just have a good time this summer, and tan and take bubble baths, and drink margaritas and spend time with my friends for once. And be with the kids! I want to be with the kids, it makes my life so much happier. I am ready to just go home and get everything out of this house too, the cluttered everything-is-everywhere feeling of my bedroom is making me sick. I just want to throw everything away... I'm debating on doing it.

inward and tuck,
tom and huck,
travelling downward but also up,
shaking hands but smile and chuck,
or truck, more or less a fuck.



well, there is this thing sometimes that I feel like I just want to be away from other people, but for the most part I don't mind being around people. It's funny though, I am selective listener. I can miraculously block people out when they're talking and smile and laugh at appropriate places. I'm such a rude little bitch.

I want to go home and make my daddy hot crossed buns, and go swimming with my brother and sister in the beach, and eat mars fries and drink lemonade and go to the arcade and get duckies and play games and then walk home with milkshakes or a hot chocolate from two chicks, and make weenies and marshmallows and grilled cheeses and drink coolers and go for the walks and look at the stars and the moon and the shooting stars and listen to the wind.

I think I just need a very big change in my life. I need to start having a purpose and start figure things out. That's where the neighing came from. I think that I just need to look into my own head and open my window and have an empty everything. be empty. Why am I so not in the right head?

Why am I not dead?

preparing for summer

Hola, I guess I haven't written in like a month, so here it goes for a short post and more later, I promise.

Summer reading list:
hunger games
northender abbey
great expectations
wuthering heights
one flew over the coockoo's nest
the dome


and probably many others that I'm forgetting, but for now those are the ones on my list, the priority. I really can't wait to lay on the beach and listen to books and be warm, and not have to worry about eighty papers that are due or the show or being late, or any of that. I just want to get done this, twelve days, just twelve days.

I did not drink enough water today. I haven't been feeling myself lately, I've been feeling very uncomfortable and I need more water and hot chocolates, they seem to help my body feel better and make me feel more like myself. I really should be writing my theories position paper right now, but I promised so I will continue. I haven't been writing poetry either, which is not a bad thing since I've been super busy and I've neededto just relax when I've had time to relax, but I have a deadline which is monday for an article and I wish I wrote more poetry everyday again, maybe come exam time when I only have one huge exam I can take breaks to just relax and write.

My goal for today is to atleast get a start on my position paper and my thesis for my final, and then set up a studying schedule, and do some yoga. I miss having constructed yoga times, I'd also like some hot crossed buns. With butter! I miss my dad. I miss my whole family actually, I miss my brother and sister, and my mom. I am going home for easter to recharge, I can't wait to be back to myself. I'm already there, going out with friends and reading things for fun again oh my I can't wait. And ice cream... Man, I love ice cream.

So I've been thinking lately and I am happy. I have great friends, and a great family and I just think that regardless of the things that are going on around me, I just want to smile because there isn't really a reason not to. It was a beautiful day today, I am twenty years old and I love breathing and waking up to a cold room, and doing five downward dogs a day. I love lemonade and laughing hard. Did you know that if you laugh, like really belly laugh everyday you live seven days longer? Even if that isn't true, why would that make you not want to laugh more?

This has turned out to not be short and I don't really care, I actually don't know what to make for dinner and that's why I continue to type. What should I wear out tonight? I hate it when my thoughts won't calm down, when I have been thinking about hunger games and primrose's face and the game of thrones and john snow and boromir and somebody that i used to know and final that big stupid final and my wrting and marks and london and my best friend leaving the country and me leaving the country and a kegger rolling above my head and a steak dinner and easter and making sure i dont drink too much or too little and holding still but not and drinking enough water and eating trail mix or not or having a spoonful of scercream and that thesis or this thesis or that quotation or this topic or some sort of brecht bullshit or if his name is really douche-ain or something more french, or if that forty percent paper i wrote last week was good enough or if i'm good enough or if he thinks about me anymore, or if he does, or she does, and if he thinks about me everyday or if they want to get sushi or if i should wear flats tonight and if it'll rain this weekend.

all of these stupid things in my head, I want to just lay around and watch the game of thrones, and think inside my head, and eat sushi with my girlfriend.

I want to see a concert, you can really lose yourself in them you know, I need a drink.

so i guess you're stuck with me now

I am sitting in class, realising that this institution is not really a good fit with me, and I think I came to a realisation earlier this week that I think I'm going to like better than everything else that I've focused on up to this point.

I am here to learn. I am not here to be told that the paper I wrote wasn't academic enough, or wasn't clear enough. I guess in a way I am, and my writing is (albeit slowly) improving, but I have made a very conscious decision to apply myself whole-heartedly, but at the same time engage as an active participant in learning. To make myself cleasr: I no longer care if I am doing well in a class as long as I know I understand things and am getting what I need to for my own life out of the stupid class. I can only do my best and hope that I improve.

I want to write meaningful things and not have to worry about people understanding it, or approving my work. I don't really care anymore, so if you're reading this and don't agree or think that the academic institution is integral to a happy life feel free to comment the shit out of this, but I have a feeling you won't. If you're enjoying university academic essays because they are fun... you.... don't undertsand life. Sorry.

There is a part of my core, a part of the integral part of being me that strives to be the best at something. I feel like I have no defining factors or features or any points of interesting abilities about me, despite my upbeat joviality or ability to think without a box when explaining things. but other than that... I don't have anything really that I am the best at. I'm not the best at english, or reading, or writing or sports or cooking or talking or dancing or anything like that I've never had a thing. I want a thing. I need something that is definitive.

Or I should accept that there is nothing definitively successful about me, and the thing that makes me me is the ability to encompass lots of good aerage abilities. Why would I thrive on averageness? Because no expectations, responsibilities. I want to be good for other people and myself, that's the goal in my life.

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is the expectations that I put for myself compared to the ones that society, institutions, other people, etc. put on me. I don't want an enforced being, I want a free being. I am a free being in a relative use of the word "free," but I want to embrace it in the same way someone would if they were the best at something.

All I can do is love, I guess. Lots of it.


And drink lots of water.




black handheld vehicles, tonka trucks and army men,
on the shag rug I laughed a lot back then,
your smile and hair and navy blue pants, red suspenders,
and your laughter against my, premature cadences left hanging
in the wind of the living room, did you know?
did you know that I saw the pills, or the blood on your shirt,
or the smile that weakened the painful grimace as I sat on you knee,
reaching for just one last hug,
and you, with your shadeless eyes now, your painless eyes now,
but then painful, full of some sorts of memroies,
patted my head but "no hugs today."


so I folded up my pictures and sent them away to you,
and the last time I saw you it was above your head,
and you smiled at me, and I held your hand
and patted your head,
"no hugs today,"

almost paradise

I think I said I'd write something today. Looks like I'm writing something...right now.

I am tired. I feel like it's been a year since I've slept, and I think that I need to take a look into serious meditation or something like that because there is no way I can get all of my thoughts straight. Too much stress, but it will be over soon. A month from now I will be gearing up for the end, and then I will be off in paradise. so close.

I haven't been writing much for myself lately and that's sort of depressing. I think I need a bit more me-time. I need more self reflection, but there isn't enough time in a day for me to stay sane and still have time to look back and stuff. I end up spending all free time either calming down or gearing up. Go go go go go go go. It's all I do now it's a wonder I'm still breathing.

I've been breathing though, mainly through my nose. I got new shoes today and I can't wait till it's not supposed to rain so I can wear them and a skirt and it is finally spring. It is finally into the seasons that aren't dreary and gross, which means it's time to bring on the sunshine. and the beach.

I miss the beach. when I wakl home around dusk it always smells like the beach does with the wet leaves and the wind and everything it's just so nice. I wish I could live there, but I can't it's too much of a hassle. I need to vacuum my room...

I guess that's all then, I think that after this show is over I will have a lot more time to self reflect. Right now I'm finding it hard to become a three-dimensional person without complaining or crying or something, I'm such a sap.

Hunchback

I promise I am going to try to write an awesome post, maybe Thursday, that'd be swell.

I'm so tired and I haven't been sleeping. I am frustrated, and I'm back in a rut. Help me help me help me. I need guided meditation or something inspirational right now, I'm on the edge.
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

breathing in peanut butter

Today is the first day in a long time that I have been happy all day. I want everyday to feel like this.

I am finally good with my being. I am good with the smile on my face the people around me, my workload my money situation. I am happy where I am, I am in the right location, I know this is where I am supposed to be. Finally, things feel right.

I have so much to do in the next three weeks, but it's going to make the end of April so much better. I'm working for the kids and for opportunities I have decided, I fight for equality now. I love it when people understand, finally.

I remember when I was younger like eighth grade on myspace I made an announcement that said "POVERTY BUGS ME" and no one "reblogged" it, and I was so upset... Why don't young people care about helping people? that needs to change. this is the worst kind of disappointment, when you relalise that greed and self-centred-ness encompasses so much of the world.

Everyone is so fucking focussed on good grades and money and sex and silly things that they forget that we're here to enjoy the world, to honour it and to honour ourselves. Why doesn't everybody just donate? Or smile everyday? I smiled the entire way home today. I need this feeling for the next couple of weeks. I still have big dreams, but they're being shaped around the people I care about intensely and the people that I am in love with, which is many people.

I can't wait for England, I can't wait for my job, I can't wait to just be me. I am me now, just a little less bright. I want to read again, and dance in my room and jump on my bed. I want to see the biggest smiles on a kid that I've ever seen when I tell them we're going swimming. I want to see a sunset in Paris with my best friend. I want to drink until I puike and laugh all night with my others. I want to drive around at midnight for forever with him and laugh and snort and die, and eat macdonalds happy meals and not worry about getting mosquito bites. Why do people worry? I should stop.

I really quite love this room right now. I love everything right now. This is so much more uplifting than usual, I am so happy. I wrote a poem today about being stuck and then bam. I'm writing this amazing post about how happy I am. I am so fucking happy.

Thank pete that this has happened, finally I don't feel like shit. Finally I'm free from a head full of nothingness and everythingness.

Guus?

I am okay.








it's a crackling heartbeat eminating from the stars,
basking down in the soft moonlight and heat coming from the centre,
the middle it feels like warm roses on fire between the three of us,
and we laugh a lot I guess, lots of heartwarming,
and a bit of the warmth comes from our glasses on our knees,
beside our feet in the grass embers sit cooling, left to dry,
to seethe in the grass until it burns through to ashes,
I watch those, or pretend to, still smiling down and down,
but they're over there laughing again, it's something so...
so familiar, so loving and familiar. So cheerful, and familiar,
and I miss it when they laughed together or talked about the barn,
or about the fire that one fire, running in their boots in the nude,
drinking beer at twelve, drinking beer now,
kicking rocks now, the sparklers fizzle out and so do we,
but it's too cold to go inside or stay out, or leave the little rounds,
I'd rather walk a million times back and forth around this, well, us,
than leave it here with laughter still lingering in the air behind our heads,
above our laps floating longingly as if a ghost looking for,
for a soul to snap onto like a clasp like a french clasp,
like something that grips and takes hold, that same something
that points off across the lake, quivers in the light the lack thereof
the puddles and woodchips around our feet covering the embers now,
and that laughter, not haunting but jovial,
not silent but unheard, only to tentative ears,
and those times when every moment I'd rather hear that laugh than
than the coughs and cries from before

it's all happening

I hate money and that everything costs so much money. I feel so helpless thinking about it, but I'm really going to try and save money and work on budgetting and things. I wish I had more money, but I don't. Ah well, what can ya do?

It's friday. Finally. My back is so sore, I think I pushed too hard in yoga on wednesday, but it was so amazing I needed to. New bucketlist additions:

see sunrises
india-yoga
publish poetry
read 100 years of solitude, 1984 and great expectations
learn how to maintain a garden
and make coffee, good coffee
learn to like beer (MUST BE DONE BEFORE AUGUST)


These are more like goals, but definitely worthy of the bucketlist. I need to do these things, I just have a craving, a striving inside of me.

I don't want to go and get groceries, but I need to get more food. What a terrible situation, when I grow up I'm living a ten minute walk from everything, somehow.

I want to buy a book of photographs. Like nice, black and white prints or something nice or something, that isn't vogue that isn't a national geographic. A hardcover book. Like a coffee table book. I think I need lower expectations of my attention span when I begin these.

I am so hungry. I should make some soup or something, I wish I had instant rice. I love instant rice, it is so good. I think I should make some chicken or AN EGG.

Brain wave, I'm going to make an egg, be back when I'm done.

I ended up not making an egg, I have to finish this book. I really love good love movies. Have you ever seen ps I love you? Or love and other drugs? st.elmo's fire? Love isn't just romantic, but I think that friends are worthy of love as well. I have a couple best friends who are my soulmates and I know it. Stand by me is a good movie about friend-love. Man, I love love. I also love food.

I'm like a choo-choo-train of thoughts today apparently.

Sometimes I wish I looked more grown up, but then I remember that on the inside I am grown up and I have grown up cares and responsibilites. I love being a grown up but at the same time nobody's grown up, I'm still seven sometimes. I can't wait to go back to work and tell the kids all about this year and next year and just be with them. Seriously, changed my life.

I really should make an egg.

I wish that lights shone brighter so I could see them, and everyone could see them.
or, well, I wish they just were bigger, or brighter,
or taller or tighter, or something like that,
can we go home yet? can we go, home, yet?
take a breath like this, like that,
can we go, home, yet?
And so it is a calming technique,
or a happiness technique,
the little prose that could,
and so I think to myself everyday man can't you see it?
the sun it's so big?
the stars are so smal and you can see those, white on the black,
the dots, like letters on my screen, pop out, I know they're there,
but I don't, it's like any other light,
I know it's there, like your face, I do,
but I can't see who

the sun is in my eyes

I don't want to feel distant, and yet I find myself distancing myself, and I don't know why. I want to be close, but lately I can't uphold my readings, my work, my sanity and get this whole social life together... I'm sorry.

I knew this would happen, I'm trying I really am. What else can I do? They wonder why I'm not at home, it's because I have things to do I am busy. I am doing my best, I am trying my best to smile everyday. I do smile everyday, but I have tired eyes, and tired legs and back, and chest, I'm tired of breathing. Give me a break. I don't like talking all the time, I need to sit and be quiet sometimes. Let me be me, please.

I feel not far away from myself that's the thing too, because I love being in the theatre, I love reading and doing work, I'd rather be busy than not busy, and I'm doing what I love, but it's hard work and it exhausts me... I don't need to explain myself to anyone, so this is over.

I hate when people don't answers texts, ever. rude.

I'd like to learn more meditation, I'm working on it, and it helps but for the most part I get frustrated because I need to do a lot of work right now and everyone else doesn't. Shit I'm talking about it again.

It's springtime, it is, the weather may not reflect it but to me it is. I don't want to wear my boots or coat anymore, I'll be cold and happy thankyouverymuch. I eed something to release all of this stress. Any ideas?

didn't think so.





it's quiet,
and it's sort of a jump start,
but I need it,
in the dark like a spark

one hour a day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMAyVdOOgQ8



"Who was that man? I'd like to shake his haaaand.."

This is so powerful.

yoga -mondays and wednesdays -two and a half hours

goal: meditation tuesday and thursdays

goal: figure something else out for the rest, one hour in a day is hard in university, maybe I could cut out sex and the city........nope. During? multi-tasking never killed anyonre. My goal? Happiness.

There's no app for that.

the plague

I can't write anything. I had an inkling to but my mind gets bogged down with everything I have to do. This summer I'm going to look up like meditative mind detoxes or something, man, I just need a separation of stress and happiness right now. Maybe I need more meditation. I'm making a mental note in my mental to do list that after this post I'm googing it right away.

I think this summer before I'm working with the kids I'm going to wear my sunhat on the bus to work. I sound like I'm crazy, but I love my sunhat and not enough people wear or do what they love anymore. So as I am doing what I love, I would like to be wearing what I love. I want to do that from now on. Why waste my time with things that I don't want to do? I want to plant sunflowers somewhere as well, mental note to ask my mother about that and the publishing contacts she promised...

Also this summer I'm hopefully looking to do another reinvention, Jackie O style, and I'd really like some vogue support but no spring issue to date has been helpful.. There was this green sundress in old navy, it looked perfect. IT'll probably be gone by the next time I go home...

Don't follow me on twitter or tumblr, don't like my facebook posts, I don't care if you do. There's a moment of liberation where you start to live your own life. You tell your parents something they don't want to hear and stick with it. You make a decision that your best friends don't agree with and learn from your mistakes. I've gotten tattoos, gone to school out of town, fallen, gotten back up, and smiled a lot. Wow smiling feels good sometimes. I don't care that I'm chubby, because I'm happy. TGhere's a chocolate eclair in the fridge from dinner and I get to eat it later and I'm not worried because tomorrow I have yoga.

I enjoy yoga, and vogues, and reading poetry, and writing poetry, and writing anything, and watching sex and the city all the time, and staying up late talking, and tzatsiki, and sundresses, and shoes, and art, and reading the newspaper, and any kind of tea, and audrey hepburn, and cosy unmade beds, and warm socks, and laughing until I cry, and posters, and aviators, and puns, and jewelry that means something, and so many more things that I would rather be important to me than anything else.

I'm in my room with my christmas lights on in february, reading a vogue and watching tedtalks and sex and the city eeating chocolate buttons in an unmade bed and cosy socks and my boyfriend's sweater, and I don't care about the work I'm not doing or the people I'm not seeing, the stress in my head or the smile on my face, because in the end I'm going to remember tonight because of the thoughts I had about the good things, and the bad things that were in the shadows of those good things will ultimately fade away.

Why focus on the bad? Why?




in that one intimate moment
with an arm below my breast and ten seconds
before I turned over again,
me, the restless sleeper,
and him -- the hibernation wreaked from his soft snores,
or his messy hair, those sleepy eyes,
his heartbeat his breathing slow
and yet mine pounded away my breathing normal, not sleeping,
not even awake to enjoy it just to feel the pressure
the warmth of his body against me,
and the cold air away,
the intimately designed entanglement of feet
or arms but not really, I don't sleep then,
I turn over then, turn turn turn,
turn and wheeze, but not the gray ones,
not the ones that hurt,
but the ones I feel when and how
he pushes against me,
he crushes me under his affections,
and I turn again, turn over again
indecsive amongst the dark night sounds,
the heartbeat, the hair from his head against my shoulder,
pet peeving my way down to his pushing me off
and out of the bed, my bed of course,
two pillows sir we need two two for us,
and i feel it, eventually,
by then there's no touching but the planks of our feet,
our shoulder blades, back to back
we sleep,
finally, I do sleep, eventually, amongst us,
amongst the warmth but just enough
so that no more heaving or headaches,
but waking up to some sleepy eyes
and tousled but loved
--well, just waking, finally

C;

It smells like eye cleaner in here.

It smells like acid, really, they clean my eyeballs with acid and tell me to come back more often. As if I need any more toxic sludge around my face. As if I need any more busy streets, headaches, and smog thrifting through my body.

I'm going to try to make this not angry.

The funny thing is is that everytime I come here I crave that acid smell. I don't know why I like it so much, but it's oddly comforting...it surrounded me and kept me safe when I needed it most. That sterile cleanliness that drowns out the woes of anyone else lulls me to sleep.

I sound like a drug addict.

I just feel like eating. Am I too tired to honour what I need? I need a break. I had all this work planned for this week, when really I want to read the books and not write the essays. If I have the time I'm going to grab the books I need and then do the papers I need to do next week. I made this decision, and I promise myself to relax a bit this week. I don't want to hit a breaking point this semester. I want to do yoga and drink blueberry tea and eat chocolate with english muffins and butter, and a large glass of orange juice and a pile of poetry books in a coffee shop with my head resting on his shoulder.

I'd also like to laugh with my girls, laugh loudly and watch disney movies and sing along. I want to go dancing, and smile.

I want to smile a lot. Don't be stressed.

Talking like this is stressing me out. ERrrrrrrrrrrrrgrrrrrrrrg.


Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

Joy, divided

I remember this moment. This derailing, deteriorating state that I witnessed and was surrounded in. I remember being exhausted, and talking to no one, and looking desperately out every window to see the snow, but I couldn't.

I couldn't even see the light, it was too foggy too much of a haze to even get a whisp through. It was cold, I was cold, but I felt my heart give defeated bursts of last hope, and deflate completely.

My dad took my hand. We don't hold hands. We usually link arms, but it was that immediate now. Immediate enough to hold hands, and he dragged me to two different stores, one was..I don't remember. It smelled like hotel like so much else that I remember aquiring to that smell. The other was breakable, like if I stepped one centimetre off course I'd bring the building down. Surrounded by glass, by tentacles that wrapped around my everything. My rib cage cringed at the sight of anothee telescope-esque eye discovery machine. I felt tired.

I actually can't remember much of what happened, but I do remember the man telling my dad that he really wished he could help me, that he couldn't but he felt terrible, and that I couldn't breathe, and my dad took my hand and walked me to the car in the dark in the snow. Both of us crying silently to ourselves.

I was lost. I'm still lost. When I turn around in a bar drunk and alone, separated from my friends I clench my fist and pretend I'm holding my dad's hand. I've never told anyone that before. I think I trust people too easilly. The one person I relied on through the following surgery has then since given up on me, crushed me, and now I'm sitting ten feet away from him and we can't even speak.

I live life in a fucking haze not self-induced, involuntarilly opaque, and somehow I still end up the fool. Smiling when everyone frowns, and crying amongst laughing crowds. My headaches pound from below my eyes and they complain about light strain or lack of sleep when all I did was get up in the morning.

I don't hold pity parties, but if I did I'd make them silent ones where you would only be allowed to laugh.

And eat cantelope. Copious amounts of cantelope. And he'll never read this.

(This unintentionally turned angry, goes to show I should finish a blog when I start it not three days later)
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

oh and for

I am deteriorating.

Not like before. Not like when there was something missing. Funnilly enough I know what was missing now, and it's an incredible feeling. I think it was around the time of my last eye surgery that it was gone and I knew it. I couldn't write using a pen anymore, and so writing lost its meaning. I am back on that now, and somehow things don't seem so bad, so terrible, so down. I may not be floating up, but I'm floating.

But now I am deteriorating in a different way.

Sometimes I feel like getting older is a form of deterioration, like the fact that my eyesight deteriorates because of my aging (or the disease, give or take) or something like the thickness of my hair deteriorates in its thickness as I age. I think that in my head am deteriorating from my stuck-like-glue self confidence problem, and wondering if there is something else.

Why is there greed at all? I don't get it. I don't understand why people go through school and spend thousands of dollars to do something they hate to make a lot of money. I don't understand I can't comprehend that. Different personalities I guess, but god damnit if they spent ten seconds at my job everything would be different. You don't have to be outgoing, or funny or anything the kids don't judge, they just need someone to hold on to.

I want to let someone hold onto me for the rest of my life as long as they need me.

I watched Leap Year a couple years ago and thought of the question they continually brought up in it that was If your house was on fire what possession would you grab to save? I have thought about this a lot recently, thinking through all of my things, and I guess I had done this when I was younger as well.

I remember when I was in elemntary school I would've grabbed the fourth harry potter book, and then run to my sister to get her out. Highschool? My brother. Siblings have been a constant in my saving from a fire. Now I think about this question, and as I write this I look around my room. there are things that I love dearly, my teddy bear from when I was little, necklaces and jewelry that has been given to me, my cellphone, but in all reality that is known to me if the fire alarm went off at three in the morning, I would run to my roommates' rooms to make sure they got out okay.

I don't care about things. I don't care about my computer. I don't care about my books. I don't care about my clothes. I don't care about my ipod or cd's or any other piece of redundancy in my life. If my house were on fire I would save the only things that would keep me going after the fire, and that would be the ones I love.

I guess this is appropriate on Valentine's Day, to write about my life long dreams and the ones I love, but it is actually true. Something inside of me made a gameplan when I realised I had a fear of driving that whenever if ever I got in a car accident I would rip off my seabelt (O used to practise) and make sure my baby brother who was in a car seat was okay and protect my sister. I haven't cared about myself getting out of that fire or that car in a long time.

I am happy when the people I care about around me are happiest. that's what is important to me. Not winning the Worlds or going to the bar every weekend, not getting the biggest paycheck or seeing every band in concert. I want to see everything that I want to see. I want to experience life on every spectrum, every level, from every possible outlet that I can. And I want to love people, and take care of them, and know that I am needed in their lives, and that by caring they are happy too.

just going to scrapbook

I was thinking of a moment of my childhood on a certain day, my parents had me in gymnastics, I was around four, and I didn't have a partner. Everyone already had one, so me in my jumpsuit and tennis shoes did the excersizes alone. One day while driving home I remember asking my mom about license plates and what they meant, and why some people were allowed to pay to get them to say funny things like "gtrich" or something, and then I asked if I could stop going to gymnastics anymore. I was tired of no one wanting to be my partner, and it was the beginning of me making sure that if I was unhappy alone I would make changes.


tears lost amongst the partner picking,
the conscripted extra curriculars of youth,
but still counting beats in a bar, heals high,
shouldering cold instant fear and fascination
why they continu to put you through, and then they stop,
one too many days come home and play forts,
one too many nights spent listening,
or crying,
or wishing that there was no class tomorrow,
the snow would just swallow us up,
tennis shoes worn until beam time,
ribbons in the hair,
it’s a feminine quality


I guess this is just going to be a mashup of things I wrote on tumblr and decided to transfer here...so..

I want to go somewhere where beauty isn’t defined by running water or a media screen, but by the amount of sand and grace that can be accumulated withiin one afternoon. I want to explore a nation that isn’t owned by intertechnology or any descendent of Henry Ford’s creations. I want to enrich my life with the whole foods of a place where “supersize” is foreign and “more please” is polite. I don’t like the way “normalcy” is defined here, I don’t like the way woman have to look here, I want to find a place where the people are involved and passionate and the surroundings are infinite. I may not crave strict adventure, but I crave the great, wide, mysterious somewhere

wild goose cry

I hate writing in microsoft word. I think there's a curse on it, especially on this computer. I think I wrote a lot for creative writing in twelfth grade and it ruined it for me. I did write my one favourite play a two-hander about two people (obviously_) and my favourite short story final that I wrote... I also wrote my poetry for that class on here, which I wish I still had... I probably do somwhere. I want to reread them, because I didn't do that well on that project but I was really proud of them. I named it "Desolate Island" which I really liked. I didn't do so hot on the project because I think I had no confidence in my poems. I no longer care if anyone else likes my poetry, my stories, my writing, because I love my work now, I have full confidence in my work, I don't care anymore. I write for me.

I'm out of link with writing plays. I want to try and write a short scene today and get myself back in the groove. I feel like I'm going to end up writing a lot in this medium since word sucks for me right now. I can't wait for my new computer so that it feels a little more compact, like my work is right next to me like it is when I write in a notebook, because then I feel more connected to my writing. I love being connected to things. I need to go home today and just shower, and probably eat something, and do some reading, and have a nice night watching tedtalks and relaxing with no sheets on my bed. Welcome to my intimacies.

I'm back in love with my simon and garfunkel, and I'm thinking of looking up some tedtalks on music or theories of contemporary modern music, I just want to get back in and comfortable. Maybe some tea tonight, good old tea!

I'll write more later~!

the blues

It drives me crazy sometimes but I feel like I need to re-evaluate the way I think about spirituality. Not saying that anything is correct or not, but I keep forgetting that some people actually believe in things. I mean, I always advocate for believing in all of its raw unbearability and strength (keep up with my typos, my fingers are still frozen from outside) but I would like to actually experience something that is as raw as belief claims to be.

It's invigorating to pick up a black soft notebook and think man, this could be my bible. That is actually hp seven for me, I have the adult version and I took off the paper wrapping so that it's black. Now I sound like a complete lame-ass, but, really, I'm talking about my bible here, so judge if you must but I'd rather take something written in fiction, or written by me personally than something that disregards progres and refuses to evolve.

I would put my trust in evolving and unfolding before something that claims to be something that its not. Isn't lying a sin? I'm no person of faith by any formal means of any kind shape or form, but I do believe in people, and if the people want to believe in the divine all power to them.

Atleast they seem passionate about something. I guess that's how I'm going to have to look at it. I'm coming more and more apt to continue on in graduate studies in reneissance as everything else sems to be unfolding what with descriptive poetry and the humanist movement, I feel like I shouldn't have been born in the thirties but should have been born alongside the ethical people de Reneissance.

A confusing concept to me has always been my belonging. I don't feel like I belong in many places, and it's hard for me to come about trusting a place long enough to truly belong there amongst my own thoughts and feelings towards it. I belong here though, sitting in the bullring on campus amongst some random bluegrass and people. The bathroom is bright red, when I grow up my bathroom will be bright red too.

And George Harrisosn is watching over me, smiling because he always knew best. He did, really. I feel like I'm a fangirl for all four nowadays, since I came to terms with Ringo's nose and Paul's dance-y contemporary bs he's been pulling lately.

(It was written that I woulld love you, from the moment I opened my eyes)

If you don't know that song you should, it's important. It's important to me to know a lot, know mostly and know in-depth-like. Know things that are important but unimportant. Know details, know why it's cold outside. I don't delve into accuracy, but I delve into the you and me, the everyday, the smiles on people's faces and the fog on his glasses. I would rather know the ingredients of you chai tea latte then any answer you wrote on your last test.

Why dwell over the insignificant details, descriptions, the now, when the now is so beautiful through a different lense? I'd rather know your favourite memory than your pant size, and that's just the way it is.

Poetry is my jam

To me you the sea in flux
In warmth in soft design,
Hold me in your infinite salt bed,
Rocking against me,
Washing me towards clarity.


--

I love it when I feel good about things I write. MAN



Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

something in

I watched V for Vendetta last night which rings true and whole into the play we've been working on. I've tried to understand everything, to understand why this play knocks me out so hard or why I want to be more involved in the political radicalism of it all. I'm not a communist, but I am beginning to strengthen my values in equality more and more as I hear songs of protest and anti-capitalist facades everywhere.

What I wanted to say was that on my other blog that I wrote last year, I wrote this a lot:

I don't know you, or have ever been around you, but you are special to me, and I love you.

At that moment in V for Vendetta, I burst into tears. Why is it that something so hard, heartfelt and unique has to be shattering? It's atear down, a shake down, I guess I call it. Why is it so derailing, so stripping? the fact that someone you have never met hears your thoughts in their head and replies back with love?

I realise on this blog I haven't been much in endorsing in love. I think it's because lately it's been either a distant or a too close thing. I need a balance, a happy medium, and I think I know how to balance it out now. I need to forget about the way I look, what people think, what the concerns of the media and ultimately the concerns of other people are, and rewrite my thoughts, to come back to caring again. I've never lost it, it's just been masked by an arc of good intentions with schoolwork.

I have fallen in with society, maybe not ours but the people in it. I have the utmost faith in people that they will love eachother, and if they don't I'll write that off. Regardless of their backgrounds, their attitudes towards me or even not towards me, I know I KNOW that if that is what they need, I will love them. And I do. I have a hard time not lending my heart out to anyone who needs it, that's probably why it feels so heavy sometimes.

My love weighs a ton.

But it does, and it's a constant within my life and I can't help that. I am entrenched in smiling, in the betterment of the people around ,e.

so, it's inevitable to end on this note, but,

I love you

we manufacture

Continuus in contained
Contamination,
I look to you through a lense full of scum,
Or fog, smog, a breaking glass, a fissure in the eyesight of
The lab, sterile and correct, grab your gloves,
Utility belt society in a state of perpetual preparation,
Positioned amongst the settled calves and deer, disappearing,
Fading into the background, searching for the crosshare,
There just has to be a button somewhere a button somewhere,
There has to be a shortcut somewhere, remote controlled airplanes,
Remote controlled racecar, remote control re-mote,
Hide the wire hide the wire, hide the wire before it lulls
Before it hugs my throat, deflating, labrynthing my everyday
Shackled to , deflating, labrynthing my everyday
Shackled to Ford’s separation, bound to a new world,
But forward, but go go go,
And passing through the countryside you hear the black tarmac screaming beneath you, you hear the soil gasping for air, you blind yourself by five hundred channels of radio nowhere and miss the flock of sheep rumbling scared behind you, forgetting you, a thought, a memory, in reverie,
Re-assembling your palette “l’eau d’acidity,” perfume for performers,
Considering remedial chemistry class, dissolve and suffer,
Roundtrip airfare bleeding through,
My backyard willow tree cries at my notebook for its babies,
blowing kisses at my breath, begging for its babies,
Cursing the clouds on gray days, its shade no longer needed,
But we have so much more now, our ignorance, I forget,
Why why why why is there, why is there
Loss or forget? Why is there regret?
Why is there feelings that no one uses, or chooses to un=use its uses,
Don’t give me lip, I’m sick of your attitude, I’m tired of you.

it's breathtaking and deliberate, it's an upturn

there is nothing between the lines, stop reading, I just want things to be simple. I live in a world full of complexity, and i am triving for a simple thrill. something without affirmations, without confirmation, without complexity, without insanity, without reality, without logic just simple me out, knock me out within simplicity..
ravage, break me down, scream at me, rage, rage rage rage RAGE.
hit me with your best, well, your simplist of all simple, comono dragon this, bring me dry toast, bring me settle my churning stomach from stimuli, stimulation is downfall.

without my mind, without my mind, without my mind,

i want to read something and mindlessly, well, no, actually
i want my mind, so i can DECONSTRUCT it with, well, with with with
RAGE.

it rings i my eras, it rings in my fingertips, rings through my nostrils and the split ends in my hair, i transform into medusa, snakes rippling from my every orafice, erupting from absolute inconsiderable deliberate enforcement. bring me life.

I WANT TO LIVE. in technicolour, in spontaneuous love.

god love, what is love love love

sink me with guppy eyes, develop some hatred, some feeling. feel feel feel feel feel and crawl on the belly on the underbelly of this earth and tell me that you still LOVE.

or rage, but do some god damned thing that isn't mindlessly
hopelessly
worhtlessly
pessimistically,
smoking
bullying
bullshit
fleeting
un-passionate
non-descriptive
breaking point

break, break break.

i am boiling on the seat of the savannah and i am alone

in blood red rage

the way you make me feel

I've thought a lot about challenges today. I haven't writtena lot, and I think that's because I have all of these notebooks at my fingertips, and I am returning to the organic notion of writing and my writing in particular. I don't like writing online, I don't think well online, and I'm beginning to think it's because I think too much. So I hereby challenge myself to write in a notebook everyday, whatever I want, and on here three times a week. It's reasonable.

Other things that I've challenged myself with lately are obvious and miniscule at the same time. Having a stupidly heavy courseload for this semester, along with maintaining any kind of social life and relationship, along with maintaining this writing schedule and interest in media and television. I challenged myself just today to reach my heels down during a yoga pose, and I still can't quite get there but that is my new goal. Goals are so important to me, and I'm beginning to shape my dreams and hopes around these goals that I've set for myself.

That's why I'm so good at time management, because when I don't reach a goal I disappoint myself. I have so much that I want to do before one am and I'm not going to be able to do all of those things, and I'm really upset about it. I want to write so much right now because I have time and it's driving me insane.

I think my insanity is measured with a theoretical measuring cup, and the solidarity of it all is being weighed with stones. Some of my stones are big and mishapen, hard to fit into this cup, and others slip right in, but all in all my insanity is flowing right now. A good reason why I'm beginning to take yoga vibe flow seriously. I need more water, I challenge myself to have w ater everyday, so much water like I did last semester. I need a smaller water bottle, or one that I keep on campus.

Or one that is bought I suppose, I've tried caring for the environment but I'm an artist...Well, I do care about the environment but I care about preserving history and abolishing poverty and equality and love so much more. I'm in love with so many people it's beginning to give me headaches, but I'm not focusing on the pain, it doesn't really hurt anyway, it challenges me to open my mind soul and heart to more people.

I sound like a hallmark card for rehab.

I need more sun salutations, I may start doing them everyday. I heard somewhere that if you do them five times everyday it's really good for you. I want to do that, that's my next challenge. I don't exactly treat my body like a temple, but I treat it with respect. It's sort of given me a shit time for no reason all my life, so I'm going to treat it nicely but if I want to eat chocolate buttons I'm gonna eat some god damn choclate buttons. I love British candy.

Something about challenging myself doesn't cut it though. It doesn't get me motivated, it's nonchallant. Nothing motivates me anymore, I want something to be passionate about that is motivating. Direct, I need direction. I need a sanity, life compass. We should invent one of those, that tells hyou just what to do and when. Mine would be made out of mahogany wood. Is that how you spell that?

Interested but a long line of other things comes around too,
sometimes I talk too many questioning to say or think or wonder,
too many too much too lots of money wasted on pain and dunks and downers,
or lovers, wow, so much lost on lovers, it's a headache it's a daft laugh,
it's a long list of mistakes or worries, a long list of panty-hose dark brown legs
underneath a black skirt, but the face is white white wondering what foster care is,
wondering what subjectivity and domestic violence is, wondering but never asking,
nefver standing out of their chairs or setting down the double double machine-gun-holed coffe cup,
whose lid is too big too much to fit to a lip or parted, or two lips, or more,
the windows of the backseat heated up, our breath had too much to say too much to hide from,
in the fog, in the night, too much that we were too afraid to say or do,
too much to remmember, too much to think to why why why why what,
why would we think of what would we do with out all of the signals
and signs,
signs
signs
signs
why why why why